


orange is the color of my love

by euadnes



Series: orange is the color of my love [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Force-Sensitive Finn (Star Wars), Hurt/Comfort, Jedi Finn (Star Wars), Lots of pining and nothing to do about it, M/M, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Rebels characters make an appearance, Slow Burn, Temporary Character Death, eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:54:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24011641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euadnes/pseuds/euadnes
Summary: They knew winning the war would never be easy, but they had barely given a thought about the aftermath.Generals Finn and Poe lead the Resistance on various liberation missions while the galaxy tries to right itself again after the Battle of Exegol. Like their predecessors, the First Order does not go quietly, and a catastrophic loss sends what's left of the Resistance reeling. Finn finds himself in a position he never could have anticipated and nearly gives up everything to save the one person he couldn't stand to lose.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Series: orange is the color of my love [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2114598
Comments: 35
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

It’s one of those missions when the comms are so busy with people yelling out their distress or calling for backup that you have to tune out to an extent to even keep yourself focused. As a leader, Finn can’t tune it all out. He hears everything now.

Later he’ll ask himself how it even got this bad. Only a handful of hours before this, he and his friends had been laughing and joking about last night’s game of dejarik. This is one of the first times post Exegol that he has felt the familiar tight grip of fear around his heart.

Not that the galaxy has been at all quiet since they took down the Final Order; it’s been the exact opposite. Lack of any unified leadership of their opponents provided the diminished Resistance plenty of opportunities to take out small groups of enemy units. Unfortunately, most planets that had been under First Order occupation since the cold war remained under occupation. Various syndicates with leaders in the Order that survived resumed operations as if they still had orders coming from down the line. _The last hold out for hope,_ Poe had bitterly joked. While a new New Republic Senate scrambled to establish some kind of discipline for the surviving war criminals, and better organize themselves in the process, the Resistance was left to clean up the mess.

They knew winning would never be easy. They had barely given a thought about the aftermath.

Currently, Finn himself was leading a small team on the ground of just one of the dozens of Outer Rim planets still occupied. It was one of the most difficult liberation missions they had yet launched. Their objective was to take over a control station being held hostage by a First Order commander. The station was located in the center of a fusion power plant, which happened to power the neighboring capitol city. The Resistance coordinated the attack with what was left of the city’s leadership, but they barely had any resources or militia to aid them. The military force that once existed was either executed or recruited into First Order ranks. It was a no-brainer as to how Commander Malkmus was able to hold the station.

Finn and Poe, still acting generals of the Resistance, scrambled together nearly all of their remaining fighters for the attack. Rey was with Finn on the ground, leading a few others to infiltrate the control room located several levels above the ground floor. Another team was led by Kaydel Ko Connix, recently promoted to Commander. Their target was locating any non-Order personnel and evacuating them from the station, as well as taking in anyone willing to surrender, and getting them on transports to their new flagship, the _Monarch_.

Finn, after having a conversation with Jannah and some others from her squadron, was more determined than ever to accept any stormtroopers who were willing and looking for a second chance. He couldn’t let go of the thought that there were more of them out there. It’s something he had discussed with Poe as well. The other leader of the Resistance speculated that with everything the Senate was dealing with, rehabilitation for ex-Stormtroopers was probably not high on their list of priorities. Seeing at how important it was to Finn, however, Poe deemed it as a priority of theirs.

Finn was grateful for Poe having his back. Leading the Resistance was a daunting task in the wake of everything: Leia’s death, the fall of the Supreme Leader, the finale of the Battle of Exegol. And Poe and Finn, they worked _well_ together. It was a learning experience for them both, hell, for all of them. The sparse crew that remained were mostly Leia’s recruits. The more seasoned allies from the Rebellion days were long gone, most of them dead, others left, leaving the new generation to make things better. Better than they had ever hoped, all of those years ago. Given what they were left, Finn thought they were doing a damn fine job.

Poe had told him after Exegol that asking Finn to lead by his side was almost instinctual. In the months before, it had become apparent to them both that they made a great team. After Poe was reinstated as commander, he frequently recruited Finn for most missions Leia sent him out on. Scouting, gaining intel, acquiring parts for ships; if Poe couldn’t do it in an X-wing, he and Finn went out in the Falcon. Choosing him to help lead was the obvious option. Unconventional, sure, but so was their style of leadership, as it turned out. They both questioned Poe’s decision to lead from his cockpit before Exegol, but now it was practically their standard formation. Poe commanded from the sky, as he was now; Finn, their leader on the ground. It was a flawless strategy, both of them fighting where they were strongest. At least, so far.

Before they reached the planet, Rose and Beaumont briefed them on the control station’s logistics. It was set up with basic defenses that they could easily disable, just as they figured the First Order had: outer wall canons, laser perimeter, guard towers with sentries, etc. Not to mention the battalion of stormtroopers and a pack of TIE fighters no doubt stationed there. Nothing they hadn’t tackled before.

What they didn’t anticipate were the recently installed heavy turbolaser turrets, large in size and protected by a formidable shield array. The very same turrets that were ripping through their air defenses.

Through the constant buzzing of the comm on his wrist, Finn picked out Poe’s voice, strained and bordering desperation.

“Anyone having luck with those shields? Finn?”

What he wouldn’t give to be able to deliver some much-needed good news. He winced as he felt the reverberations of another starfighter crashing against the base. Finn had no way of knowing whether it was an enemy or friend.

He raised his wrist to speak, feeling more overwhelmed by the minute. “We’re working on it! Almost there!”

Over his arm, he met Rey’s gaze. Her wide eyes reflected the golden light from her lightsaber, raised in defensive position. She was watching his back as he tried to gather their bearings. _We’re almost there, right?_ he wondered briefly.

She tilted her head for them to follow, and Finn squashed his panic down for the moment and moved on.

The comm crackled once again with interference as they moved deeper into the building. Finn began to jog, the others following. Warbling, a metallic screech.

“Poe!?” Finn yelled, heart in his throat. Blaster fire streaked over his head. He spotted white armor through the smoke.

“I’m still here, buddy. Just barely. They’re dropping us like flies.” Finn could just barely make him out over the noise.

“We’re on the way to disable them, just hang on for a few more minutes!” he called back.

Rose’s voice was next. “Finn, if you take the next right, there should be a turbolift.” She was safely stationed inside the _Falcon,_ tracking their movements on the computer and navigating them through the labyrinth of the base.

He ducked around a corner just as Rey moved to cover him. An access panel denied them immediate entry. Finn raised his blaster and shattered the interior, causing sparks to fly outward and briefly dazzle him.

He motioned blindly for the others to move. “Hurry go!”

Bodies pushed past him. The smell of spent blaster bolts flooded his senses. Finn felt, more than saw, Rey beside him, deflecting as many shots as she could. A stormtrooper at the other end of the corridor suddenly broke formation, kneeling low and aiming wide. Finn was nearly eye level with their blaster when the nozzle lit up red.

Before he could react, a body was at his feet. He willed himself to move backward into the lift before he could recognize who it was.

Rey stayed with him every step of the way. Finn watched her use the Force to close the turbolift’s doors and a second later, they were moving up.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The main control room wasn’t as well guarded as they expected. Two patrols outside, two troopers each. Finn and his three person crew, down one fighter, took them out easily. The blast doors opened for them automatically, revealing only a handful inside as a last ditch effort to stop them. Malkmus had apparently flown the coop, most likely to save himself.

As the stormtroopers stationed around the room raised their weapons, Finn stood and raised an empty fist. He stood alone.

“Don’t shoot! Please!”

The troopers wavered but remained in position. Finn could only picture the faces under the helmets. He imagined them as he once was: scared, unsure, maybe a little desperate. It didn’t have to be that way.

He sensed the others behind him, crouched out of sight but ready to fire if prompted. It was better to do this just as himself.

“You don’t have to do this. You can surrender.”

“To scum like you?” The one closest to him spoke, voice tight with thinly veiled fear. “As if you wouldn’t kill us the first chance you got.”

“Do you see me firing?”

“The others-“

“They didn’t give me a chance. I’m offering you one, right here, right now.”

Finn waited, hardly daring to breathe with three blasters still pointed at his head. A large floor to ceiling window gave him a view of the base and through it, he could finally see the battle raging in the air outside. Numerous TIEs dove in and out of sight, chasing down their starfighters. A familiar orange and grey X-wing swooped low to dodge a TIE fighter, narrowing escaping a deadly shot from a turret. The missed laser met an oncoming TIE, shredding through the hull and sending a shower of fiery debris onto a landing platform. A triumphant yell on the comms. A swooping feeling in his chest. _That’s one hell of a pilot._

But the feeling was short lived. Something was off. There were a dozen or so TIEs, more than the schematics of the base should allow. The capacity of the landing pad maxed out at six fighters. They had missed something. A stone heavy feeling of dread sank in his gut.

“Please,” Finn repeated. “I need to help my friends. We’ll take you in and you won’t be harmed, I promise.”

It was evident that the two troopers standing behind the computers waited for a signal from the one in front. There was still some uncertainty. Finn held up a hand, then began to tug at the collar of his shirt.

“Look,” he said. If his voice shook, it was out of his control. They were running out of time.

Finn pulled the neck of his shirt down as far as he could, exposing the bare skin of his shoulder. Block characters etched in just above his collar bone in ink that was only slightly darker than his skin. A small victory. The tattoo was visible only if you really looked for it. He felt three pairs of eyes boring into it. Even if they couldn’t read it from far away, they knew. They all had the same one, just different numbers. “They gave me a chance.”

A beat. Then the leader, “Disengage.”

They all lowered their blasters.

The one in front spoke again. “You are-“

“I was.”

The three of them waited, like they didn’t know what to do next.

“Please, you can take your off those helmets,” Finn said. Then, over his shoulder. “Okay, we’re good in here.”

Rey and the others emerged from around the wall just as the stormtroopers were removing their helmets. Two men and a woman, standing closest to the outer wall. Rey and Kor’a were already moving towards the controls console next to her.

“Those turrets, do you know how to disable them? Or turn off the shields?” Rey asked the woman. She shook her head, staring blankly at the pair. She had neatly pulled back hair, dark and sleek, with warm brown skin like Poe’s.

A man with hair trimmed nearly down to his skull and eyes that reminded him of Rose came to stand next to her. “You can’t disable them from here. The controls are located underneath each one.”

_Of course they were._

“How do you access them? Tunnels?” Kor’a asked.

“No,” the man said. “Each turret has an entry point at the base. There’s housing there for the power cells and cooling pumps as well.”

Today really wasn’t their day. Finn closed eyes and sighed, thinking fast.

The system sounded familiar to Finn now. “Those power cells can’t be strong enough to fire those things on their own, let alone hold the shields up. They must be connected to the-“

“The auxiliary reactor!” Rose finished for him over the comm.

Finn raised his wrist to speak. “Rose, that reactor is on the other side of the base.”

“I know, I know. And it’s shielded,” she said, dolefully.

“And, uh, just throwing this out there: if we blow that reactor up, the whole city goes. We all go.” That was Poe, no doubting hanging on to every word since Rose chimed in. “So, I’m open to other ideas.”

Finn looked around the room at his companions. They all stared back, expectant. A sudden explosion rocked the building. One of their last U-wings crumbled in the air.

_“A fast idea!”_ Poe yelled.

“You,” Finn stepped to the stormtrooper he had talked to first. He was taller than the rest, dark skin like Finn’s, hair close cropped like his had once been. It gave him the chills. “Is there anyone on base who can get to those controls?”

The man’s eyes slid down the side. He shook his head slowly. “Anyone that was left, they were patrolling the upper levels. Commander Malkmus ordered us to set up a defense here.”

“So he could escape,” Finn said.

He could see the conditioning in the soldier take effect. The man’s eyebrows pulled together, his mouth opened to protest. Finn cut him off.

“He left you here to defend this place, even when he could see that we outnumbered you. He left you to _die._ ”

“We would die for the First Order.”

“You would die for a lost cause. Now you can die for a better one. Unless you _help us.”_

His harsh words finally seemed to make an impact among them. The dark skinned man considered something. Finn watched his eyes shift, narrow, focus again. He turned to the others.

“Go down to the armory, gather as many explosives as you can, bring them back here,” he said to the other man.

“Bombs? We’ve got bombs.” Kor’a shouldered the sack she was carrying to the floor. Another one on Finn’s team, a Sullustan by the name of Tek Turalis, began opening his munitions pack as well. Dozens of explosives lay inside each one.

The female stormtrooper next to Rey blanched. “You fought your way up here with those on your back? That whole time?”

Kor’a, with wildly curly hair and nearly a foot shorter than Rey, held two round explosives in her hands and juggled them slightly. “They’re basically useless until you activate the switch here.” She held one up and swiped the side with her thumb. A small mechanical whirring and a tiny light blinked red. “See? _Now_ it’s dangerous.”

Tek said something in Sullustese that Finn didn’t understand. Kor’a seemed to think about it for a moment, then shrugged. The stormtroopers all looked at each other in horror.

“Okay, where should we put these?” Rey asked the leader.

“Base of any control console.” Easy enough. The other two moved to help Kor’a and Tek. “A strong blast can disable part of the reactor, hopefully enough to power down the turrets.”

_“Hopefully?”_ Rey said, incredulous.

Finn looked at her. “Do we have any other choice?”

“I don’t think you do,” the stormtrooper said. “A master code could disable the power or redirect it, but we don’t have one. Now unless you had a droid to override it, which you don’t, you have no other choice.”

Kor’a pushed between him and Finn, arms full of bombs. “You had me at explosives,” she said mock dreamily at the taller man.

Any other day, Finn would’ve laughed at the man’s expression as he stared after their munition’s expert in confusion.

“Poe, were you able to follow any of that?” Finn spoke into his wrist.

“I heard something about bombs, a power cell – or something - ah!” Poe began to curse. Over the comm Finn heard the screaming of a TIE.

“That sounded close,” was all Finn could say. He turned to view the fight outside. There was less of them, that was for sure. It was a miracle Poe was still up there, that any of them were. _Don’t think about that._

“Yeah - look, I’m a huge fan of explosions, as much as the next guy – but are you sure about this?”

_No._

“So far.”

“That’s good enough for me,” Poe said. Finn caught sight of his X-wing, streaking past the viewport, turbolasers chasing so closely Finn could see the scorch marks against the hull. Poe cursed loudly again.

“Kaydel,” Finn called. “You fill those transports yet?”

“Affirmative. All except two, we’re standing by now, preparing to board,” Commander Connix replied.

Finally, some _good_ news. “As soon as you have everyone, you take off. Don’t wait for a signal, just go. Understood?”

“Yes, General.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the second male stormtrooper pause and look up at him in surprise.

“What do you want me to do, Finn?” Poe asked.

“Just stick with the plan, make sure those transports make it to clear space.”

“You got it, General.” The title sounded different coming from Poe’s lips, like he couldn’t help smiling around it every time. Something deep in Finn’s chest glowed.

He shifted his full attention back to the room. The second stormtrooper was still standing upright, staring off out the window.

“Are we done?” he asked the room at large, while keeping an eye on the man. He was moving closer to the portal, neck craning upwards.

“Almost,” Kor’a tossed another explosive to Tek, who caught it easily across the room and applied it directly to the screen of the largest console. He gave Finn a double thumbs up.

The dark haired woman stood watching the entire exchange, horrified. “It’s a wonder how you people even survived this long,” she said without malice.

Kor’a emerged with the remote detonator, ignoring her. “We’re set.”

“Alright, let’s head out.” Rey lead the way this time. Finn noticed that before she entered the control room, she had holstered her lightsaber. As they ran down the corridor again, this time in the opposite direction, she held a blaster.

“22!”

The tall stormtrooper was ushering out the woman, calling back to his other companion. He still stood at the window, seemingly frozen. At his leader’s voice, he slowly turned.

“What is it?” Finn asked.

“You’re sending people off world?” the man asked, transfixed.

“Where else would they go?”

He gaped, looking between Finn and the other stormtrooper.“Don’t you realize what’s coming?”

Finn was about to argue, the frustration inside of him was rising to a breaking point. They didn’t have time for this, they had wasted enough as it was. Then it clicked. Missing pieces slotted together in his brain, forming a bigger picture.

The extra TIEs, seemingly coming from nowhere. The lack of any formal defense from the stormtroopers. The flight of Commander Malkmus.

How naïve they were, to think that this was all there was. It was so blindingly obvious; how could he have missed it? Finn’s blood froze inside of him. It cracked and ground against his bones. He felt like he could fall to pieces where he stood. If he didn’t warn his friends, they were soon going be trapped.

“Poe?!” Finn yelled, but Rose cut off any response he would’ve heard.

“We’ve got company!”

He ran to the window, just in time to see the needlepoint bow of a Star Destroyer pierce the sky.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He remembered the rest like this: artificial lights flickering with every impact, a beam of gold being their only solitary beacon. The howling alarm, never ceasing. Screaming. Crashing. Burning.

And outside.

The sky was dropping.

Hot, red and gray streaks. The ash hadn’t even begun to settle, still swirling and peppering the gray sky.

Hunks of incinerated metal sliced the ground, burning thick gashes into concrete.

The _whump whump_ of the turbolasers as they worked overtime was incessant, deafening, until a larger explosion made the ground beneath them tremble. Running ahead of him, Kor’a, remote detonator held high and tightly in her fist. The determined set of her jaw, her face a mask of triumph.

The firing stopped, making way for the shrieking of the TIE fighter engines.

Finn’s ears were still ringing when they made it back to the _Millennium Falcon._ Before following the others up the ramp, he chanced a look behind him. A gaping maw of flame and charred metal was all that remained of the control room. The turrets were frozen in their last firing positions, but the sky was still swarming with TIEs. And there, high above, a gray and orange ship with crossed wings, incandescent, sticking out amongst a dozen black.

“Finn, come on!” Kor’a called him back. A rumble beneath his feet. Rose had started the engines.

With detached surprise, he noticed the three stormtroopers huddled in the main hold. Somehow, they had made it too.

“Wa! Wy dah, oh kam tey,” Tek pushed past him and started climbing to the upper quad laser cannon. A rough, possible translation: _Don’t just stand there!_

“One of you, second gunner. I don’t care who,” he motioned to the ladder. The man called Twenty-Two descended it.

In the cockpit, he came to stand behind Rey’s chair. She moved deftly, flipping switches left and right. Finn felt the ship begin to rise and their vision tipped skyward. The view was even worse at this angle. Poe appeared to be one of their last remaining fighters. The X-wing crossed their flightpath and made a sharp nose dive, intercepting two TIEs. One ship took the bait and dived after him, the other was chased after by a familiar hexagonal Corellian freighter. Poe flew back into their line of sight, S foils twirling as three more TIEs pursued him, cannons blazing. He was trying to lead them away from the _Falcon._ But Finn could see that the odds of breaking the atmosphere were dire for even them, Poe and the _Ghost_ included. 

“Is this all that’s left?” Finn asked, not sure if he wanted the answer.

“Jess and Nimi left to defend the transports. Poe said he’d cover us,” Rey said to him, “I’m not sure if you heard.”

“I didn’t.” He glanced down at this left arm and was shocked to find his arm band and communication device were completely gone. The sleeve of his shirt, torn and bloodied. Finn had no memory of receiving the wound.

In the co-pilot’s chair, Rose was rushing to keep up with Rey. She stood up briefly to reach a switch high above her head and he felt the ship hum with new power. “Shield’s up. Let’s get her out of here.” She turned to smile at Finn, relieved to see him. He returned it, somewhat steady.

Rey took the controls, expertly diving between enemies. The two quad laser cannons got busy clearing a path and fending off incoming enemy ships. High above them, the handful of fighters left were engaged with TIEs, too many to count.

“How do they have this many ships, or even that Destroyer?” Kor’a spoke at his side. She had silently moved into the cockpit and sat behind Rose. “This should be impossible.”

“Let’s not worry about the how, just focus on the present, people.” Poe said over the _Falcon’s_ communications console. “ _Ghost_ and I are clearing you a path.”

Concussion blast after concussion blast rocked their ship as they climbed higher.

A new voice spoke, “There’s too many of them!”

“Spectre One, hang in there, they’re almost in the clear!”

“Poe, you and Captain Syndulla need to get out of there!” Finn ordered. “Our shields will hold until we get into space, but you need to get clear, now.”

A breath of static. He could still hear the X-wing’s laser cannons firing.

“Poe!”

“Yeah, no, I’m not gonna do that.”

“Poe, that was an order!”

A heart stopping pause. When he spoke next, Poe’s voice was an aching mix of sorrow and unwavering resolve. “I’m sorry, Finn. But I’m seeing this through.”

“I’m with you, General Dameron,” Syndulla said.

_“Poe, no!”_ Rey cried.

“Rey, you and Finn are the last hope-“

The transmission was abruptly cut off by another juddering blast. Finn was thrown backward into his seat from the force of the impact, while in front of him, Rey screamed.

“Damnit!” That was Rose. The cabin began to fill with the smell of burned wires. She toggled with the controls above her head. “Shields held. Oh, kriff.” Sparks jumped from the controls.

“What happened to the comms? We need to get him back,” Finn said, panic rising like the tide.

Rose continued switch flipping. “I’m working on it. Everything is still fried from a few weeks ago.” A light on the communications array flickered from red to blue, before turning red again. Rose cried out in frustration and wacked the dashboard, hard.

A crackle of something, familiar beeping. Finn’s heart jumped in his throat.

“Poe? Can you hear us? Poe!”

Nothing but static.

Rose was now cradling her stinging hand. She looked up at Finn, her eyes apologetic. “I don’t know what else to do.”

Finn felt blind, and more helpless than perhaps ever feeling in his life. In the cockpit, he could hardly see anything around them. The ground was already a blue and green haze below.

“The _Monarch_ , she’s making the jump to light speed!” Rey cried out suddenly. The sky was clearer now, save for the occasional missed bolt, streaking red. Their flagship was not too much higher above them, flying clear of the approaching Star Destroyer. Her thrusters glowed bright blue.

Rose grinned. “Kaydel must’ve made it with the last transport.”

Rey swiveled slightly to look at him. “Finn?” Her eyes said it all. This might be they’re only chance to escape safely. It was now or never. He was the only one who could make that choice.

He stared resolutely ahead and swallowed down his creeping nausea. “Okay.”

Finn felt her reach out and touch him briefly with her mind. It was a comforting gesture. All Rose and Kor’a had to give him were looks of pity. 

“Receiving coordinates,” Rey pushed a finger to the headpiece as she listened. Rose began punching in something into the nav computer. “Did you get that?”

“I did.”

_No. We can’t leave yet, we can’t._

Rey leaned forward, grip tight on the hyperdrive controls. “Black Leader, Spectre One, if you can hear us…”

Finn’s grip on her chair tightened. Something was wrong. Terribly, impossibly. Wrong. _Gone._

“May the Force be with you both.”

A cold, cold hollowness. Gutting him, filling him; it was if the frigid vacuum of space had suddenly invaded the cockpit and crawled inside his chest. All he could do was choke and gasp on the emptiness of it.

“No.” _Oh, Force. “Poe!”_

Rey threw her arm forward. The stars dissipated into streaks of white. They burned his eyes.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Finn?”

Back, they had to go _back._

Finn stumbled out of the cockpit. He was dimly aware that someone was following him. Rey. She had left the controls to Rose. His senses were hyper aware of his friend’s presence. Ahead of him, Tek and the others were gathered in the main hold, their forms a haze of confusion. For as long as Finn was aware of his ability to tap into the Force, as he referred to it, he had never felt anything like this. Like swallowing smoke, his senses were muffled, hazy. He could almost _taste_ it. His throat felt clogged, though the air was clear. He was only inhaling the clean, processed air of the ship. But he could swear he was burning.

And oh god, it _hurt._

“Finn! Are you alright?”

He had a hand pressed against his chest. He felt the heart, pumping strongly, lungs heaving. But something was terribly wrong. Or rather, the lack of something.

Finn could tell when Rey grew impatient with him. She pushed his hand aside, searching too. Her hand only found the fabric of his shirt, sweaty, warm, but whole. Intact, but only on the outside.

“Finn…”

He was frantic. He could see himself reflected in her eyes, they were so big with worry. Her hand found his injured arm, she cradled it in her hands, gentle. Touching Finn and standing so close, he could tell the moment she felt it. His shock was palpable now between them, right on the brink of consuming grief. Her mouth drew open in horror.

“I can’t feel him…Rey, I can’t feel Poe.”


	2. Chapter 2

“We’ve got company!” Rose yelled in his ear.

Poe didn’t need to be told twice. His dashboard lit up red. When he readied his X-wing again, he saw a sight he didn’t think he would ever see again, a First Order Star Destroyer blocking out the sun, and with it, a dozen more TIE fighters streaming from the hull.

The newcomers only distracted him momentarily from his current predicament. The two TIEs on his tail used the distraction to outmaneuver him, and a blast clipped his ship’s hull.

“Shit!” he quickly steadied himself. “How are we looking, BB-8?”

_Bwoop worp woo._

_“_ Hey, we’ve worked with worse, right?”

“What’s the plan, Black Leader?” Jess asked over the comm.

“We’re gonna try and thin out some of these TIEs. Take out as many as you can. We gotta make sure those transports get out safely.”

“Copy.”

“Karé, what’s your status?”

“Connix just rounded up the last of the base crew. Preparing to take off in five.”

“That’s great to hear. Black Three, Black Four, you guys follow them out. Watch their six.”

Jess and Nimi Chireen, Black Squadron’s newest pilot, pulled from reserves just after Crait, confirmed and moved swiftly to follow the transports as they took off. The need for a special ops team of pilots had pretty much ended after Exegol, but Poe kept it on for sentimental reasons. He filled the empty positions but left the call sign Black Two, belonging to his close friend Snap Wexley, vacant. The pilots he had left: Karé Kun Wexley, Jessika Pava, and Nimi were the best of the best. Naturally, he trusted them with the most important tasks.

A TIE fighter raced after them, zig zagging wildly. Poe followed, shooting it down easily. Three more took its place.

 _This is beyond ridiculous,_ he thought. The number of TIEs in the air seemed endless. He worked to guide them away from the departing ships, all the while defending his own and the others. What remained of the others. There weren’t many.

Five. That’s how many they lost. And they weren’t going to lose anymore.

“Finn, those turbolasers are still live, what’s the situation?”

There was no answer.

“General Finn, come in!” Poe tried not to let the panic seize him and failed.

“Poe, I’ve been trying to hail him,” Rose interrupted. “I lost signal on their position a few minutes ago.”

_Oh no. Please, no._

_“_ Copy that. Keep trying to reach him, it’s possible there’s too much interference.”

For the first time that day, Poe second guessed his decision to fly this mission.

BB-8 spoke to him, no doubt picking up on the pilot’s worry. <Rey is with them. She and Finn are brave. I’m sure they are safe.>

 _“_ I know, buddy, I’m sure too.” It wasn’t a total lie. Rey and Finn were more than capable and they picked an excellent crew to accompany them. Even in their current situation, the odds were still with them. He had to believe that, he had to have hope. It’s what Leia would do. She always had faith in her people, no matter what they faced. Poe recognized that as one of the many admirable qualities that made her a great leader.

Suddenly, a sizable explosion lit up in his peripheral. For a moment he feared they had lost another pilot, but the blast came from the base. Rubble was thrown skyward and Poe banked left just in time to avoid it. An oncoming TIE wasn’t so lucky. A flying chunk of debris clipped one of its wings, sending the ship careening into a shield fence. Metal and glass met the impenetrable laser wall and became a ball of fire.

“Poe, I’ve got eyes on them!” Rose called out.

Down on the ground, a group people were running out of the main entrance of the station. Poe swooped low to give them cover fire, catching sight of a gold lightsaber in the process. The number of people was off, and several others in white accompanied them. _Stormtroopers?_

 _“_ Rose, is Finn with them?”

There was a short break before she answered. “Yes!”

Poe pumped his fist in celebration. It was about time this day turned around for them. “Get in the air as soon as they get on board. I’ll cover you.”

Rose came on the comms again. “They’re boarding the _Falcon_ now.”

His relief was short lived. A swarm of TIEs flew by, chasing down a grey and red X-wing belonging to Bail Monti and shooting him down. It happened so fast, Poe barely had time to react. There was a burst of static and Bail was gone. The TIES grouped in a new formation and moved on to the next.

“Osi! Coming up behind you!” he yelled, attempting to warn the pilot.

“I can’t shake them!”

The X-wing veered sharply to one side, then the other, but to no avail. All ships shot at once, blowing it to pieces.

“No!”

Poe took in the fight before him. His head throbbed; the scope of their losses so disheartening. They were supposed to be past the worst. To so many of them, the war had essentially been over. They had _celebrated_. Now he could barely keep his people alive. They had all underestimated this one, catastrophically so.

Poe took a deep breath, then another. The _Falcon_ was in the air. His friends were counting on him.

Jess, Nimi, and the transports were out of sight now, taking a number of TIEs with them. They were so close, if they could last just for a few more moments.

Someone was speaking on the comms, another conversation somewhere. It was the _Falcon,_ and Finn was speaking. _It’s good to hear your voice, buddy,_ Poe thought.

He spotted the _Ghost_ soaring ahead of him, expertly picking off TIE fighters. The famous Rebellion ship, captained by the son of General Hera Syndulla, stayed on after joining the Resistance at the Battle of Exegol, and Poe couldn’t more grateful for it than this moment. Leia had fought alongside General Syndulla years ago. He wished she had been there to see the ship flying alongside the _Falcon._ He fell into formation with the smaller Corellian freighter, and the TIEs scattered, fleeing directly into the path of the _Falcon,_ whose gunners blasted them away.

“How do they have this many ships, or even that Destroyer? This should be impossible.” Poe recognized the voice of Kor’a, their munitions expert. Poe was glad to hear she had made it. He wouldn’t say it to her face, knowing her she would tease him relentlessly for it, but she was one of his favorite people on base. She had quick wit and didn’t take jack from anybody. Also, she _loved_ blowing things up.

“Let’s not worry about the how, just focus on the present, people. Spectre One and I are clearing you a path,” said.

They climbed higher into the sky. The TIEs screamed after their new target. Poe could agree with their strategy at least. They clearly knew to go after the faster, stronger ship. But they didn’t know that Poe and Jacen Syndulla were just as good.

The two ships converged together again. “There’s too many of them!” Jacen said over the comm.

“Spectre One, hang in there, they’re almost clear!” Poe could almost see the green haired man in the cockpit flying solo as they flew side by side.

Finn was the next to speak. “Poe, you and Captain Syndulla need to get out of there!” he ordered. “Our shields will hold until we get into space, but you need to get clear, now.”

Finn’s voice was strained. For a moment, Poe almost listened to him. Their ship was high above the planet now, but there were still many enemy ships between them and a safe hyper space jump. Poe was fortunate enough to have flown the _Falcon_ numerous times, and he had come to know her limits. Strong shields or not, they couldn’t make it with an endless barrage of laser cannon fire. It was time for Poe to test the limits of his own ship.

“Poe!” Finn yelled again. It made him wince.

“Yeah, no, I’m not gonna do that.”

“Poe, that was an order!”

“I’m sorry, Finn. But I’m seeing this through.”

He could’ve listened to Finn. He could have obeyed his order and followed the rest of them out to space. But there was a nagging thought, or more of a feeling, that if he gave in to Finn’s pleading voice (and oh god, how easy it would’ve been; he would dive off one of those dizzying waterfalls by their base on Ajan Kloss if Finn simply asked him to) it would result in devastation. He didn’t need Threepio to tell him about minimal odds. Poe’s instincts had saved him more than a few dozen times in his career as a pilot. And this feeling, it was _strong_. So strong, he couldn’t have been able to doubt or deny it if he tried.

So he fixed his eyes on the Falcon’s retreating thrusters for possibly the last time, then brought his X-wing around. Enemy ships were on him in seconds.

“I’m with you, General Dameron,” Syndulla said. Then there it was, a thrill of something hot, all encompassing. Hope, courage. Acceptance. He grinned around it, buried his fear beneath it, and began toggling with his weapons system. _We’re really doing this._

“Beebee, divert some of that thruster power to the mag-pulse system. We’re gonna need some more fire power.”

The droid beeped in compliance.

 _“Poe, no!”_ Rey cried.

He envisioned them in the cockpit, his best friends, his family. The love he felt for them gave Poe the one last push that he needed. They were going to go on and do great things for the galaxy, he felt so sure of it. _They’re going to make it, if it’s the last thing I ever do._

“Rey, you and Finn are the last hope for the Jedi. You’re the last hope for us. And you’re going to live.”

Poe didn’t see the direct hit that nearly blasted the _Millennium Falcon_ out of the sky. There was sudden static in his ears, paired with frantic beeping by BB-8.

“What is it, buddy, I can’t see- “

The atmosphere was thick, heavy with blaster fire and acrid smoke. For a moment he was flying blind, focusing hard on dodging shots without firing any, save he accidentally hit the _Ghost._ The comms were deathly silent.

“Finn?” He hardly dared to breathe.

<They were hit. The communications dish was disabled.> BB-8 told him.

“What? Where are they now?” He chanced a look at the sky above them. They were flying in and out of the clouds now. Poe could see nothing. “Captain Syndulla?”

“I got eyes on ‘em. They’re still in the air,” the pilot responded.

“Then we still have a job to do. Take out any ships that try to follow.”

“You got it, Black Leader.”

Poe dove back into the maelstrom of the battle, guiding the ship into a smooth spiral as blaster fire rained down on him. G-force pushed down on his body like a vise. No matter how times Poe flew, he never got used to the pressure changes. He willed himself to keep his breath steady. Ahead, the _Ghost_ zipped through a defense line of TIEs, coming out clean. Fiery shrapnel was left in its wake as it disappeared into the clouds. He lost sight of the other ship as it broke the cloud line again, dipping in and out of their enemy’s scopes.

“They made it, General,” the pilot responded. “The _Monarch_ just left, and the _Falcon_ was preparing to make the jump. They made it.”

Poe sagged into his seat in relief. He felt a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as he said, “Alright, Spectre One, let’s follow them home.”

“Roger that.” The _Ghost_ cut through the clouds one last time, and Poe pulled up to follow.

His minuscule moment of relief was just enough to let his guard down. All it took was a few seconds.

“BB-8, how are the deflector shields looking? We should have enough power to-“ He was cut off when a strong blast rocked them and the inside of the cockpit exploded in a blast of light. Electric circuits frizzled and sparked angrily, and smoke began filled the small space. A TIE fighter screamed past him and disappeared into the clouds.

The ship began to list to the right dangerously. And then Poe’s least favorite feeling in the world: the bottom dropping out of his stomach, uncontrollable as they began to lose altitude faster than Poe could even calculate.

He caught fragments of what BB-8 was relaying to him: two retro thrusters out, starboard side; stabilization obviously failed, reactant injector offline. And of course, only with his luck, the seat ejection trigger was not responding.

Poe could only focus on controlling the ship as it plummeted to the ground. Coughing, hardly able to see through the smoke, he reached between his knees for a lever. Fruitless as it seemed, their descent had a fraction of control again. The ship leveled out for a brief moment, then plunged again. Poe fought against nausea. It felt like every organ was jammed in his throat, threatening to spill out. Ahead, a brief glimpse of shimmering glass and steel. The city rushing forward to greet them.

“Brace yourself, BeeBee,” he choked out. The smoke was poison on his tongue, clogging his throat.

The flight joints jerked in his hands. The framing of the ship around him shuddered, threatening to crumble as they fell. _Please, please_ _hold. Just long enough until we crash._

But they were coming in too fast.

This was the end for him. Poe knew he would always die a pilot’s death, just like everyone he flew with. He thought of everything that brought him to this point, all that he accomplished, and what he had yet to do. He felt the solid weight of his mother’s wedding ring thumping against his chest with every lurch. Regret came to him, unwarranted, but not unexpected, in the shape of Finn. _If only we had more time._

The city view reappeared so quickly, Poe barely had time to react. One final attempt at leveling the ship got one of his wings clipped. The ship jerked, spinning off it’s axis. Screeching, metal grinding against metal was all he knew. His neck nearly snapped after one final, punishing jolt. Then he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize to anyone who reads this and doesn’t know who Jacen Syndulla or any of the Ghost crew are, but also if you haven’t watched Star Wars Rebels, what are you even doing with your life.
> 
> Thank you again for reading! Be safe everyone!!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait everyone. Life has been really crazy, I honestly don't even remember the month of May. I think it lasted one week? Time isn't real anymore. Also I updated the number of chapters I hope to have by the end. It will AT LEAST be 9 hehe ;)  
> And lastly, here's a link to my tumblr account: https://spectralsam.tumblr.com/  
> The past week or so I've been reblogging a lot of helpful links and information regarding Black Lives Matter and what you can do to help, petitions to sign, where to donate, etc. Please consider helping out in any way if you haven't done so. You can find those tagged under /reference or /important.  
> Thank you so much for reading! Stay safe love you bye

**_Now_ **

Poe woke up to fire.

The world was tinted dark orange and slightly smudged. Blearily, he moved a hand to push away his scorched visor, but the plexiglass was too warped from the heat to fit back into its slot. Giving up for the moment, Poe sagged back against the seat. Just lifting his hand took a lot out of him. There was pain. He took stock of his injuries, starting from head to toe. Everything ached dully, his head and legs especially. His chest was tender where the flight straps had dug in upon impact. He registered all of these as characteristics of a crash. And Poe had crashed plenty of times before.

He should move.

It took his hands a few seconds of wandering before he found a solid plate of glass in the top hatch to lift. He pressed upward, gingerly, and felt it crack underneath his fingers, the plates already shattered in some places. Metal framing groaned as he pushed his full weight upward and after a momentary struggle, the hinges gave. Poe realized that the broken bits of screen were probably the only reason he was alive and didn’t suffocate from smoke inhalation. But that didn’t save him from a scorched throat. The first breath he drew after the exertion of unstrapping himself and climbing out of the cockpit sent him tumbling into a coughing fit.

“Beebee…”

A crackling sound in his ear. He knew what that sound meant; he just didn’t want to accept it yet.

“Finn…?” he said, stupidly, just as the events of the last few hours were fed to him in flashes. Black smoke and red light painted against a bright backdrop. The final voices of his friends in his ear as he was powerless to save them. A familiar circular band of blue thrusters, flying further and further away from him until he couldn’t afford to watch anymore…

There was nothing.

He was completely alone.

Jacen had said he saw the Falcon make the jump, right? Or was Poe misremembering that out of aimless hope? And what became of the Ghost?

Poe was finding it hard to focus. He wanted to puke but instead stood very still, willing his mind to maintain control over his sore body. The chances he had a concussion were high. The crash helmet had saved his life once again but wasn’t enough. Gingerly, he pulled it off his head. The old thing looked worse than he expected. Blackened by smoke and riddled with scratches, most likely from the broken glass, it was nearly unrecognizable. He tossed it back into the cockpit.

Straightening his legs proved to be a challenge. They wobbled like a newborn fathier’s as his feet scrambled for purchase among the rubble and broken glass. With gloved hands, he felt along the hot metal side of his ship, making his way to the back where the astromech compartment was. The wings on his side were like sawn-off arms. The fusial engine, joined as one when he disengaged the S-foils to maintain control, was a charred husk of itself. There was no saving this ship.

Poe had to climb a bit to reach the top where his droid would be. The end of the ship received the brunt of the damage after spiraling out of control and the power generator at the rear was coughing smoke and sparking. And adjacent to it, a gut wrenching sight: his droid, his best friend, his buddy, BB-8 crushed underneath the rubble.

“No. no, no, BB-8!” Poe cried out. He reached into the mess of charred wires and plastocrete that landed on his ship after crashing and attempted to brush some of it away. Beneath it all, scarcely visible, familiar orange and white.

“Buddy, can you hear me? Wake up!” His efforts were fruitless. The droid wasn’t responding, and he couldn’t reach in and attempt to drag what was left of him out. He didn’t have the strength, or the time.

Something flew low overhead, but he only saw the shadow, causing him to jump.

He cursed. If what was left of the First Order stayed behind, their next move was surely to raid the city and wrecked base for survivors.

Poe was injured, he had to find cover fast. Thoughts raced through his pounding head. If these First Order goons found him, would they capture him? What was their motive now, if they had one? There was a chance they would just shoot him on sight.

Yeah, cover would be ideal.

He scrambled off the wreckage of his ship. Around him were the dull colored walls of the city. It was quiet, and the streets around him lacked any discernible signs. The plastocrete buildings were low and nearly windowless. He landed on the outskirts of the city, in an industrial area maybe. No one direction seemed more promising than another, so Poe picked a street and ran. 

The sky had darkened considerably while he was unconscious, so he used that to his advantage. Long shadows lined the streets and Poe traveled through them, managing to stay well hidden. Soon enough, he came across why the section of the city was so quiet. Peering around a corner, he heard them before he saw them. Stormtroopers, fresh off a shuttle, were setting up a perimeter. From his position nearly a block away, Poe could hear faint comm chatter. They were searching crash sites.

Stealing his chance, Poe darted across another street before he was seen. He had to get as far away from his X-wing as he possibly could.

His salvation came from two different directions, almost simultaneously. Between two buildings, he noticed a column of black smoke, rising thickly, a few klicks out. If that was the base, Poe could sneak back onto the battlefield and hopefully come across a working droid and get a message to the Resistance. Or even better, find more survivors. Strength in numbers could work out to their advantage.

Before he could head in that direction, however, some distance away came a shrill beeping. It was constant, and at a low enough pitch that it couldn’t be heard from very far away. A distress signal, and from one of his own. Poe didn’t hesitate to follow it

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The signal wasn't too far. Poe rounded another dark corner and practically ran into the droid emitting it. Stooping to run a hand over its barrel sized exterior, Poe started to recognize it. R5-00. A rust colored astromech with silver plating that belonged to Osi Karel, who affectionately called him Roo.

But looking around, Poe couldn’t see the pilot anywhere. Just a flaming mountain of metal.

Roo was beeping at him shrilly, panicked.

Poe shushed the droid and tried to rub some of the soot off it’s casing. “Where is he? Did Osi make it?”

The droid hummed, metal body bowing slightly. Then he continued in a series of beeps, telling Poe how Osi’s life signature was lost when he took the first hit from the TIE fighters and mid crash, Roo ejected himself from the ship and landed nearby. He saw Poe’s ship crash not much later and began signaling him.

Poe felt genuine gratitude for the droid. “Good job, buddy. I’m sorry about Osi.”

Roo hummed mournfully again.

“We can’t stay here though. We have to hide. Can you get a message out to the Resistance?”

The droid beeped a plangent sound.

“Your transmitters out?” A small disc on top of the droid twitched and sparked as if on cue. Poe attempted to bend the stem back into place but to no avail.

“Blast.” Poe stood, using the droid as a prop. They were still alone but that could soon change. Roving lights lit up some of the gray walls not more than a city block away from them.

He began to limp toward the next dark street, opposite of where he came. Since he stopped to meet Roo, the pain in his legs had become more pronounced. The droid trundled along beside him, matching his painfully slow pace. It twittered at him.

“Yeah I know we need to hurry. I’m doing the best I can, pal.” Voices now echoed down the alley towards them. Ahead, there was a faint glow that rose above the rooftops. A hazy bluish white, not the red and orange embers from the fires. New, unfamiliar noises. The people of the city, finally coming out to see if it was safe. Or the opposite: more First Order troopers. Poe didn’t want to find out.

His postulation about crashing in an industrial complex proved to be correct. They rounded a dark corner and came face to face with a tall and featureless fence. The space around them was more open than the streets they were travelling by. Metal equipment was stacked off to one side; a handful of vehicles were parked in a makeshift hangar. To his immense relief, Poe spied something that could have been a kind of hoverbike.

As was his lot in life, Poe didn’t get to be so lucky. The moment he motioned for Roo to follow him, half a dozen light beams began to criss cross the pavement at the far end of the yard, piercing the dark. Instead of rushing across the open space, Poe pushed the droid in front of him as they hid themselves among the scattered machinery.

 _We won’t make it,_ Poe realized frantically. Shadowed figures guiding the lights moved in front of the hangar. It was obvious they were searching for something. If the troopers came to their position, Roo might pass for a maintenance droid, just one of several sitting in the dark. But there was nowhere for Poe to go. The fence behind him was an imposing, featureless wall that stood several feet above his head. Even if he wasn’t injured, he hardly stood a chance of being able to get over it.

Poe’s eyes scanned the fence just in case, searching for a gap, a hook or misplaced chain, anything he could use. Nothing. The top of the fence was just as barren.

Above them, over the fence, the clouds from just a few hours ago had cleared. A dark, starlit sky hung over them, watchful. Poe observed the night sky. Light pollution dimmed the stars slightly but he didn’t think he would find anything there if it was darker. The stars held still; they didn’t wink at him. No one was up there to save him.

Just as well. He thought of his mission, about the briefing they were given before departing the base. Hearing what hell the remnants of the First Order unleashed on this world, during the war and after, filled him with such anger and hatred. The people of the whole planet, essentially being held hostage with no one from the fallen New Republic to aid them. Until the Resistance answered their call. And they nearly succeeded. The First Order were driven off the base, a base they could no longer use thanks to them. And yet here they were, still, like a mutated parasite with its head cut off, growing another in its place, coming back for more.

And now Poe was just as helpless.

Another pack of troopers were closing in on their position from the south. He could hear their heavy footfalls marching through the streets. The machinery around him yielded nothing with purpose. A few tools lay scattered about, but hardly anything he could use as a weapon.

His head swam. Adrenaline could only keep him on his feet for so long. There was something warm trickling down the back of his neck, and had been steadily flowing for some time. He was weaponless, lost in a strange city, and injured. And alone. 

Well, not completely.

Warm metal pressed against him and he leaned his weight against it, resting for a brief moment. The astromech’s flat top head and giant eye swiveled to look at him. With a pang, Poe thought of his own droid. What was to become of BB-8?

What was to become of Roo?

The fight hadn’t entirely left him yet. An idea came to him all of a sudden. It wasn’t smart but it was better than the alternative. Or so he hoped. Making sure they were still well hidden, Poe turned to the droid.

“Okay, buddy, here’s the plan,” he whispered so low, the light wind coming through the narrow passage almost carried his words away.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, but you have to get a message to General Finn. Tell him I surrendered myself.”

Roo’s head rotated in a back and forth motion, reminiscent of BB-8 in outrage. He didn’t make a sound, but he didn’t need to.

“You stay here,” he started, fumbling at the collar of his flight suit. “You stay quiet, you’ll stay safe. But I need you to do something for me.”

His fingers found purchase on the metal chain around his neck and tugged it over his head, careful to avoid the stickiness at his collar. As he gently curled the chain around the heavy object at the end into his open palm, Roo opened one his small inner compartments with a soft fwisk.

“I want you to hold on to this for me. When you wake up again, see that this gets to Finn...alright?”

Poe clutched his mother’s wedding ring tightly, curling his fingers into a fist, letting the grooves of the chain dig into the calluses of his hand. Shifting the ring around so it was pressed between two fingers, he brought it to his lips for a brief kiss. The action was spur of the moment, caused by a swelling tide of emotion he didn’t think he could’ve controlled if he tried.

“This is important to me.” His voice caught in his throat as he placed the ring into the droid’s compartment. “Do you understand?”

Of course he didn’t get an answer. The droid continued to quietly ogle him and closed the compartment just as softly. Poe placed a hand gently on his head, curving the side, as he reached around for the droid’s power switch. Metal under his fingers grew stiff and cold as he powered down.

Poe turned his gaze upward to relieve some of the burning pressure behind his eyes. He turned his focus onto the noises of the squadron of troopers nearby. Voices echoed from the inside of the hangar, the clacking of their amour seemed to surround him. Poe didn’t know how long he had until reinforcements landed from the Star Destroyer. He suspected these were the reinforcements, but in his line of work, that hopeful thinking usually got someone killed.

Standing proved to be more difficult than before. His left leg was too stiff to his liking, and dizziness threatened to topple him. Even if Poe had the advantage, he didn’t think he was in the right shape to take on anyone, even an Ewok. From his position he could still see troopers searching the shifty hangar.

Poe took a deep breath and just at the exact moment he began to will himself to move, he was spun around by the shoulder, his back roughly pressed into an ancient GNK power droid. The force of the movement sent Poe and the dead machine tumbling. So much for the element of surprise.

Hands grabbed him, picking him up and shoving him forward. His bad leg struggled to keep him up. A mechanized voice chirped behind him, startling Poe out of his wits. The clacking of rifles echoed everywhere as they were raised in his direction, no quarter. Automatically, he raised his hands above his head.

_That noise, what in the kriffing hell-_

His parents, once Rebels who fought by Leia’s side, had holos from the war. He knew the helmets of stormtroopers before he ever saw one in real life. He remembered one particular holovid his mother had shown him when he was a bit older. An elite squad of troopers, his mother had explained, used to protect the highest ranking members of the Empire. Deathtroopers. The sound of their vocal scramblers as they spoke, marching into a crowd of innocents and ending every life in sight, haunted his dreams for weeks. When Poe’s father found out what he had seen, he had been furious.

Now those dreams were his living nightmare.

He was shoved to the ground at the feet of another trooper. It’s plastoid armor was roughed up, mismatched. The breastplate looked eerily similar to that of a Sith trooper. Around him, others wore white armor plates clashed with black and tan. In some cases, white was painted over with strange symbols, most Poe didn’t recognize. Except for the one in front of him. Front and center, a yellow insignia painted on faded black. His brain was fuzzy, but he knew he had seen the symbol before, somewhere…

His struggle to remember had drawn him away from the present. A conversation was taking place above him.

“...even worth it to drag this scum back to the shuttle?”

“He’s Resistance. Look at his flight suit.”

“Yes, well, that is obvious, you dung for brains.”

Poe was shoved roughly again, as the trooper behind him spoke again in that haunting chitter.

“I um, I surrender. If that still counts for anything,” he said. Emotionless masks stared back at him.

“Shut your mouth.”

“We could have some fun with him,” one said, glee unmasked behind the helmet. Helmets looked back and forth at each other. Red plate shrugged one shoulder.

Poe’s body went cold as he realized his worst fear.

There was no order here, no protocol, no leadership.

_I’m going to die._

Deathtrooper helmet spoke again and he was yanked to his feet once more. Red plate led the way, leaving the others to trail and bicker behind them.

Poe stayed compliant and silent during their short trek, even as the pain made it more unbearable to walk. As he suspected, two shuttles were parked not too far away. What he didn’t expect however, was that they were not First Order. Nothing was making sense, and now Poe was finding it difficult to keep on his calm facade.

But before Poe could form a coherent question, another bizarrely dressed deathtrooper stepped out of the ship, lazily raising a blaster in his direction. The blue stun blast was the last thing he saw.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Has it been hours? Or five whole rotations? Years might as well have passed by for all of the time they were wasting. Planning, strategizing.

Sometimes, Finn forgot that he didn’t escape the bureaucracies of war when he defected from the First Order. If Poe were here, they would be rushing back into the fray, risking it all to save anyone left behind.

_If Poe were here…_

Not much time had passed, not much at all. Not enough for Finn to find a way to even breathe around his friend’s absence.

After docking with the _Monarch_ , Finn, Rey and the others met with everyone on the command deck. There had been some time before Finn walked in, but no one needed him to announce their losses. A holovid glowed brightly in the center of the room. A recording, dated earlier that day. Jess met his eyes across the room, her eyes shining with tears in the light cast from the holo.

The clouds in the surveillance video from the Rothana capitol were thick, fuzzy pixels, taking up most of the sky. It was a wide shot, but it showed enough for them to recognize what was happening. Ships darted in and out of the clouds. The _Falcon_ was the most recognizable. She soared straight up, never to reappear. Several starfighters followed. Only one came back down.

The air left his lungs when Finn realized what exactly he was looking at.

TIE fighters enclosed the small X-wing and rained laser fire upon it. The camera was at a rough angle, but even they could see when the deadly shot struck true. An explosion of fiery orange; contrails of smoke swirled behind the ship as it dove sharply, projection out of control. Curiously, the TIEs broke away at once and disappeared from view, flying off camera entirely. The X-wing flew closer to the city, closer to the surveillance cam. So close, the lense zoomed out even further, blurring slightly to keep up with the target. It was unfocused, but they all recognized the orange and grey ship as it fell apart. One of the wings slammed into one of the city’s towers and spun out of sight. The camera filmed a silent sky for a minute longer, until the bottom corners started clouding with smoke. Only then did the feed finally cut out.

Shocked faces surrounded him like a wall. They looked to Finn, perhaps waiting for him to speak. Even if he could, what was there to say?

Outside the starship, empty space. They floated among the stars, unimpeded. Together, safe. To Finn, they might as well be lost.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Someone began with a tally of the injured, currently being attended to in the med bay. Maintenance reports, civilians saved, prisoners identified and held. Finn tuned in in chunks, barely able to focus. He knew that he was their leader now. One of several, but the only general. He was thankful that no one pressed him. Larma D’Acy stood in the center of it all, listing their next moves. As per their previous plan, they were to wait at the current rendezvous. A New Republic cruiser was scheduled to join them to collect prisoners at a certain hour. After that, their plan was to return to Ajan Kloss. It was a plan they came up with lightyears ago, it seemed like. Finn found that it all felt rather ridiculous now.

D’acy looked around at them all, jittery, uncomfortable. She struggled to start her next sentence.

“General Dameron is d-“

“Don’t. Do not say that word.” It was the first time Finn had spoken since sitting down. He was met by silent, gaping stares. He made the unfortunate decision of meeting Commander D’Acy’s eyes across the room. Tears flowed freely down her cheeks.

“Please don’t say it.”

“Finn…” Rey said from her seat next to him, voice soft.

“We can’t know that he’s – we don’t know that.” The words drop off his lips, heavy. “We have no proof.”

No one spoke for a moment. Finn could tell that they wanted him to be right. But they couldn’t bring themselves to believe him.

Rose spoke next. She talked to him gently, like she was talking down to a child. It made him nearly shake with suppressed anger.

“You saw the holovid footage, Finn. His ship broke apart before it crashed. No one could survive it.”

_Poe could survive it. He could survive anything._

He thought back to a conversation aboard the Falcon, light years ago. _Takes more than that to knock me down._

_So you’re the best pilot in the galaxy and you crash all the time?_

Absurdly, he wanted to laugh.

Rey might have been following his thoughts. “But if it were possible…”

“The First Order forced us to flee! With their presence over the city, we can’t risk a reconnaissance mission,” Aftab Ackbar said, standing now next to D’acy. He had stayed aboard the Monarch with her, in charge of taking in the prisoners.

“They’ve left.”

“What?”

They all looked towards Beaumont, who was perched behind a computer console. “The Star Destroyer is gone. The sky is clear, look,” he switched the screen to magnify for the whole room to see. It was a live feed of the city, another surveillance cam they were granted access to. There was still smoke rising from isolated spots, the majority coming from the fusion base. But the sky was empty.

For a moment Finn let himself have a little hope.

Sudden commotion outside the command bridge gathered their attention. Mechanics ran past in the direction of the hangar. They parted around another figure like a river flowing around a stubborn boulder. A man with green hair, followed closely by an old C1 unit.

“General! You made it,” he cried when he spotted Finn. The pilot was breathless, and took a second to rest his hands on his knees.

“Captain Syndulla?” Finn found himself slightly speechless. Poe and the _Ghost_ were the last of their ships to leave Rothana’s atmosphere. If Jacen made it, was there a chance -?

“I’m sorry it took me this long to make it back,” the other man panted. “I jumped around for a bit, just to make sure.”

Rey launched herself from her seat and went to him. “Were you followed?”

Jacen finally regained his breath and straightened. “No. I don’t think these goons have the same hyperspace tracking capabilities as their friends.”

D’Acy’s body drained of tension, like a puppet cut from it’s strings. “So that’s it then, we’re safe. We can signal the New Republic.”

Beaumont nodded at her as he picked up a headset and turned his attention to the dashboard communications.

Finn found himself walking forward. Jacen looked up at him, remorse in his eyes. The next words confirmed what Finn feared, what he saw on the feed, what they all saw. But he was not ready to believe it yet.

“General...I’m sorry. There was nothing more I could’ve done.”

Instead of responding, Finn turned back to the main console and flipped the holovid. The live feed of Rothana City reappeared. Nothing moved except the smoke.

“We can’t just give up on Poe.”

All eyes were on him. Beaumont finished his transmission and turned to watch. The blonde haired man had a solid friendship with Poe. His hopeful expression fueled Finn on.

“We can’t give up on any of them. Now that it’s safe, I propose a small recon team. Nothing that would attract too much attention, in case we still have enemies down there.”

Rey immediately stepped forward. “Give me another ship, and I’ll do it.”

“I can take you,” Jacen said. His droid, Chopper, Finn believed he heard the name mentioned before, chirped in affirmation. “Just give the _Ghost_ time to refuel and she’ll be ready.”

Finn nodded at them, making sure his gratitude was translated through the motion. Jacen returned it, then took off back toward the hangar.

Across the table, Jess Pava stood wordlessly and donned her helmet.

“Jess!” Karé grabbed her arm as she started to leave.

The younger woman barely turned to face her squad mate. “I’m getting him back, Karé. We owe him that much.” She walked out.

Karé’s large eyes met Finn’s. “If I had my X-wing...I mean, I don’t want to just sit here.”

With a confirming glance at Rey, Finn said to her, “You can go with Rey.”

She got up to leave as well, thanking him as she passed. Before she followed the blonde woman out, Rey paused next to him.

“Be careful,” he said to her. The thought of losing both of his best friends in one day…

“Please.”

“I will,” Rey squeezed his hand and left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The arrival of the New republic consular was a welcome distraction. Finn helped oversee the transfer of the First Order prisoners, though the exchange was brief. He didn’t yet see himself as a diplomatic leader. He was unused to the uncomfortable process of long negotiations, only familiar with the strict order reminiscent of an Imperial age. Even the lack of formality that took place among their leadership jarred him on most occasions. Finn found that observing Poe during situations such as these were the best learning examples. He didn’t stall the consular, itching too much to get back to the bridge.

Out of the several dozen prisoners, only four honestly surrendered. The three troopers from the base, and a lone pilot who defected and abandoned their TIE fighter before the air attack even began. They all waited in a spare room off the main corridor, out of sight. At the moment, Finn didn’t have a plan for them, but handing them over to New Republic authorities seemed like the last thing he wanted to do.

Who knows how they would be treated, or seen in the eyes of the New Republic? Finn is a stranger in this new diplomatic world, just like the defected troopers are. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if their voices were lost or buried

Finn didn’t stay away from the command bridge for long. By the time he made it back, Rey and the others were coming out of lightspeed and reentering Rothana’s atmosphere.

It was radio silence from that point on. The less radio chatter the better: they didn’t know who was still around to listen.

Finn waited alone, or nearly so. Connix sat by the communications console, silent in her shock process.

Hours passed, during which the New Republic ship finally unmoored from the _Monarch_. Finn watched as it sailed by and entered hyperspace.

Others occasionally checked in to see if anything had changed, but it didn’t.

Until it does.

The _Ghost_ was the first to reappear, followed momentarily by Black Three. Connix flipped a switch to open the channel but the two ships didn’t try to hail them. Finn felt Kaydel glance at him. They both knew what the lack of communication probably meant.

They waited.

Only Rey came in.

Finn didn’t remember standing until he was being pulled into Rey’s arms. She was shaking slightly.

When he pulled back she finally confirmed it.

“We found the wreckage. Poe’s ship and another X-wing, but they were both burned so badly. There wasn’t much left.”

“Nothing?”

Kaydel had joined them and had a hand clasped over her mouth, eyes quickly filling up.

Rey struggled to hold back her own tears. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Jessika Pava entered the command bridge, tall and stoic. Kaydel ran over to her and they met in a hug.

“We did find BB-8,” Rey continued. “He was badly damaged in the crash but survived the fire. Jacen and I got what was left of him and brought him back. He’s in maintenance right now…” She trailed off, unable to say any more.

“Did you guys run into any trouble?” Kaydel asked.

“No. Beaumont was right, the First Order was gone,” Jess said. Her voice was dull and low, the complete opposite of her hotheaded self. “Even the city was empty. Barely anyone noticed us.”

Something wasn’t clicking right in Finn’s brain. No one had won here. Sure, they destroyed the base, but the city was defenseless. Why would the First Order leave?

Kaydel seemed to be of the same mind. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know,” Jess growled.

“Finn?” Rey pulled him down to sit. He hadn’t realized it, but he was starting to sway.

He was thinking of what Jess said, but couldn’t find any words. It didn’t really matter now.

If the First Order wanted to come back, fine. _Let them try and take back Rothana. Let their ships fill the sky_ , Finn thought. _I’ll burn it down. I’ll burn them all down, one by one._

A single, recurring thought running through his mind, over and over and over.

_I want it to be done. I want it to end._

“Finn?” Rey again. He came back to focus on the room, now empty except for the two of them. Rey still had a comforting hand on his shoulder. Warmth radiated from her touch, but instead of letting it ground him, he mentally shook it off.

Rey felt the non-gesture and removed her hand like it burned her. “I’ll be in the maintenance bay to check in on BB-8. Please come down when you’re ready.”

She walked out at some point in the absence of his response.

Alone, his attention is drawn to the only moving thing in the room. One of their computers, left on by someone’s negligence. It showed their flight tracker, an orderly display of rows and columns, though short. It was still displaying the current status of each ship, active or inactive. More than half of the signatures were flashing, with large red X marks signaling the losses. The rest were dark, stating their inactivity. And up at the very top, a large X-wing shape, flashing red in its entirety.

Next to the computer, another flashing light, this time green. Connix had left the comm on.

Leather creaked softly as Finn slowly spun his chair around to face the communication console. His finger rested on the button until with just the slightest pressure, he opened the channel.

“Command to Black Leader. Come in Black Leader.” His voice remained neutral toned. The words slipped quietly from his lips into empty space while the screen above continued its incessant blinking.

“Black Leader…? Are you there?”

His breath shivered. It was translated into static.

“Poe?”

The empty feeling inside him ached in response.

Finn’s finger finally fell away from the keyboard after listening to the static for several long moments. He stared at the blinking red light for so long it became blurred behind watery eyes.

The silence was what broke him, eventually. As if the evidence wasn’t enough: what Rey and Jess and Jacen had all told him, what they had seen, or hadn’t seen. It didn’t hit him; nothing was proof enough until this very second. He called, but this time Poe didn’t answer. He never would again.

Something inside him crumpled. His body bowed in half under the force of it, a wild pressure pushing down on him from all sides. It closed his throat, squeezed his heart. His fists were clenched against his knees, fingernails pressing in hard enough to leave marks.

Finn had never grieved before. At least not like this.

He had grieved for his lost childhood, the family he never knew and were surely dead. He had grieved for the other children pressed into slavery around the galaxy, forced to kill at the hands of their oppressors. He had grieved for his fallen Resistance comrades, mostly people he never knew. But that was war. You mourned the dead, quietly, respectfully, and then you moved on. In the First Order’s case, your grief was to remain private. Any disorder, any sign of emotion would be met with strict discipline.

Finn was once told that his empathy as a stormtrooper would get himself and his squad mates killed. When they tested him as a potential officer, that fact was made very clear to him. After so many years he learned to swallow those feelings down. It was basic survival. And it became apparent later why. If you cared, you were at risk of being killed. Not just by your enemies, but by the Order itself. Care and be killed. Care and defect. Defect and be killed. All of his options made clear in an easy to read diagram. But that was no more.

Perhaps it was easier all along to push everything down. It should be impossible to feel this much pain.

The red X-wing on the monitor blinked and blinked.

Finn raged. His fists came down upon the keyboard, once, twice. At the third strike a scream tore its way out of his throat. Tears that had threatened to fall when he was calling for Poe now fell uninhibited. The sound of his grief filled the cavernous room, branding every wall. Every sob and mournful sound was surely carried down the hall through the upper most level of the ship. Faintly he could sense Rey, mourning along with him. She hadn’t been honest about going down to the maintenance deck. Instead, she stood just outside the command bridge, a silent sentinel, making sure he was not disturbed.

He didn’t leave for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a DOOZY. It literally took me 3 weeks to write less than 2k. Ugh.  
> Writing grieving Finn literally made me depressed, I felt so bad. I love him so much


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes two chapters in one day. Will this ever happen again? Probably not.
> 
> Also, this is the first chapter that will be entirely a flashback sequence. Future chapters will also have some flashback scenes. Enjoy!

**_Before_ **

Finn found Poe in his makeshift cave quarters, tucked back far away from the noise. The pilot was rarely on overnight leave on the tropical forest base, so the area was sparse of any personal belongings save for a handmade trunk. According to Poe, his father had crafted it himself. After retiring, the ex-Rebel quickly became bored on their ranch home on Yavin 4 and took up woodworking, of all things. Poe said he always seemed more at ease if he had something to do with his hands. Just like his mother was, and Poe, when they were flying. Kes made the trunk for Poe when he was just a teenager and Poe had taken it with him when he left home. It came with him wherever he went: a basement room on Kijimi, underneath his bunk at the New Republic Naval Academy, his quarters on D’qar. It was a miracle that it was spared from becoming space junk after they escaped the old base. This was where Finn found him, kneeling on the cavern floor next to the open trunk, wrestling with a bottle in his hands. 

“Hey, spice runner,” he said as a way of greeting. 

Poe looked up in surprise. He must not have heard Finn’s approach. His face quickly fell into a sly smile. “That’s _General_ to you.”

“Nah, and here I thought we were equals,” Finn matched the smile with his own. 

“I should rescind that order,” Poe chuckled.

Finn dropped himself onto his friend’s cot. “Then what would you do without me?”

“Fair point.” 

He eyed the bottle again. It looked older than the both of them. 

“What is that?” Finn asked.

Poe succeeded in peeling away some of its casing, which seemed to be some kind of wax. 

“Sunfruit liquor. I’ve had it for ages. Been kind of saving it for something like this,” he said, referencing the celebration taking off outside the cave system. As more wax layering was pried away, a cork was revealed. Poe popped it open with a flourish and Finn got a whiff of something sweet. 

“Wanna share the first drink with me?”

Finn scoffed. “He thinks he even has to ask.”

“It’s called manners. Excuse me for having them,” Poe said dryly. He was still grinning. 

Finn lived for moments like these, it was just a part of what he fought for. The ease with which they fell into this rhythm: the friendly banter, bright smiles that came so easily for Poe, the light teasing. Teasing that sometimes crossed into something with more heat behind it, a heat that Finn found himself gravitating to constantly. He was giddy with it. 

Without any formality, Poe took a long swig straight from the bottle. “To the Resistance,” he added as an afterthought.

Finn couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled out of him at the absurdity of the situation. Two generals of the greatest battle Finn had ever witnessed, celebrating an impossible victory in a damp cave. Poe laughed with him. The delight in his eyes made Finn want to sit and drink together all night. Their friends were outside celebrating, sure, but there were also the signs of what they lost. Lando and Chewie admiring Han’s medallion and toasting to Leia’s spirit; Beaumont’s reaction when he learned of the loss of the crew of _Tantive IV_ ; Karé Kun and Wedge Antilles grieving over Snap…

Tears that Finn had never seen before, streaming down Poe’s face as Karé broke down in his arms when the green and white A-Wing never landed. 

If Finn could keep him from that, he would. He never wanted to see Poe grieve like that again.

Finn took the bottle from Poe and raised it to his friend. “To peace.” He drank.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After being awake for nearly a full rotation, they rested. Then there was a gathering. The few ships that followed them to Ajan Kloss and their crews, all waiting to hear what the Resistance would do next, offering their help wherever they could. A peculiar looking man with patches of green skin and hair asked the first question. “Where do we start?”

“Food and supplies would be nice,” Finn voiced his thoughts, gazing around at everyone packed together. Even with their losses, more people were crowded around the communications console than Finn had ever seen. A few of them laughed.

“That’s a good start,” Poe nodded beside him. The crowd quieted. Finn was continually amazed at how commanding Poe was, how natural leadership seemed to be for him. He was more like Leia than he probably believed. Poe was her legacy and Finn knew in his soul that he was already doing her proud. 

More plans were made, pilots began to leave with their new missions and the crowd dispersed. The green haired man stepped forward. He had a serious and commanding demeanor and couldn’t have been much older than Poe. “General Dameron, I fly a Corellian freighter, sir, and I can get you those supplies.”

Poe nodded, impressed, “What’s your name pilot?”

“Jacen Syndulla, sir.” 

All the formality that Poe held during the meeting seemed to melt away. “ _Syndulla?_ ” he asked, incredulous. “As in-? Wait, that was _you_ calling in from the Ghost?!” Poe stared, amazed at the other man. Finn had only a faint clue as to what was happening.

“Yes, sir.” Jacen stood taller, but his face was somewhat bashful.

“You’re calling _me_ sir, when you shouldn’t even – I mean, you and your mother, one of the best Rebellion Generals, one of the best _pilots_ , she – and you – wow!”

“Poe? Babbling,” Finn cut him off. Jacen looked more sheepish by the second. 

Poe ran a hand through his hair and opened his arms, rethought that notion, then stuck a hand out. “It would be an honor, pilot. Whatever you need – we need, all you have to do is ask.”

It took all of Finn not to roll his eyes skyward as Poe nearly tripped over himself to shake Jacen’s hand, and quite vigorously. The pilot shook Finn’s hand as well before he departed. 

Finn and Poe turned and had to shoulder their way through the bustling base to get to the rocky incline that led to the sleeping quarters. “Do you want to fill me in on whatever the hell that was?”

“Embarrassing. It was probably embarrassing,” Poe said with a slight grimace. 

“Oh, it definitely was.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Rey waited for them at her workbench. Her back was to the open air and sunlight, shadowing her features. Her gaze was fixed upon the newly finished lightsaber cradled in her lap. As Finn and Poe climbed the rise to her loft, she ignited it with a flick of her thumb. The dim cave became awash with warm golden light. Finn instantly liked it better than the electric blue. The new color suited her. 

Even Poe admired it. “Nice,” he said in a way of greeting.

They sat together opposite of her and she began to recount for the first time everything that happened after Kef Bir. In return, the two of them added their own versions of the events on Exegol. It was a sobering moment, learning about Ben’s sacrifice. Poe, recognizing the grief in her eyes as she spoke of him, reached out a hand in sympathy. Rey gripped it gratefully and they both sat in respective silence for a moment. 

The emotion in their exchange was not foreign to Finn, but he did not share it. He never knew Ben Solo, he only knew Kylo Ren’s violent fury and fearful presence. In a detached way, he was grateful that Ben had brought Rey back to the galaxy, to her family, but he couldn’t fully separate that feeling from the mourning of all the people, the entire _planets_ of lives lost to his rage. In time, he thought maybe he could forgive Ben Solo as Rey and General Organa had, for if Finn could be redeemed, maybe Ben could too. Rey’s heart was big enough to forgive Ben and show him compassion after everything, and that inspired Finn. 

The truth of the matter was that Rey had confided in him long ago about her connection with Ben. On a quiet night before Ryloth, she told Finn how she felt the good in Ben deep down and how she thought that Master Skywalker had a narrow-minded view of how the Force worked. Rey’s opinion was heavily driven by emotion and grief over them both, as she voiced to Finn. At that moment, he believed she was giving up on Ben Solo for good. 

After listening to her stories from Ach-To and what Master Skywalker taught her about the Force, Finn figured it out. Everything that steered him towards the Resistance, the influence of Rey’s presence in his soul. He sensed their first meeting on Takodana. How Rey’s presence was there, panicked and distraught, and then she suddenly _wasn’t._ Finn’s feelings were confirmed when he witnessed Ren taking her away to Starkiller. Then the swooping energy radiating out of Poe in his prize X-wing, later seeking out the pilot on D’qar out of pure instinct. He knew. Somehow, he knew. The Force. It brought them all together. He believed that with every fiber of his being. They were meant to come together and save the galaxy. He was reminded of that as he sat and watched the two people he loved most quietly console each other. 

Finn didn’t know how to tell Rey before. He wondered how differently the outcome of the war would have been if he did. But he knew it was Rey’s fight. Finn didn’t want his friend to worry about him as she trained for what she had to do to defeat Kylo Ren. Finn had made his decision then and vowed to someday tell her the truth. Just hours after Exegol, he finally came to the right time. 

After another moment, Rey told them what she planned to do next. Instantly, Poe was ready to gear up and leave with her. Rey looked at him fondly and began to speak before Finn interrupted. 

“We’re needed here, General.” Finn told him.

Poe looked between him and Rey, almost not believing what was happening. 

“We go together, right?” His eyes finally locked on Finn, questioning. 

This time Rey spoke. “This is something I have to do alone.”

She turned to the surface behind her and reached for a wrapped object. A slow unfolding of the leather fabric revealed two lightsabers. Poe sat back after admiring them, his expression pensive. 

“Leia…” his voice weighed heavily. “We should have some kind of ceremony. A vigil. Something.”

“We will. We can do that when I get back. It won’t be long,” Rey assured them.

Finn nodded and after a breath, Poe did too. Rey gripped his hand again with both of hers. “I’ll see you soon, I promise,” she spoke gently and ducked her head to meet Poe’s eyes. 

When Poe let go, he stood and kissed the top of Rey’s head. As he left, he said, “I’ll tell the others to get the _Falcon_ ready.” He gave Finn a curious look as he passed, then he was gone. 

Rey was smiling, confuddled, though touched by the gesture. “He is a strange man.”

Finn laughed in spite of himself. When he didn’t move to leave, Rey spoke again. “Finn?”

He leaned forward, elbows to knees. “As you know, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Rey’s smile didn’t falter. Her presence made Finn’s heart overflow with warmth and acceptance. “I know, Finn. I feel it, too.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

From the _Falcon’s_ loading ramp, Poe watched his two friends walk together near the mouth of the cave. A part of him felt wrong for watching, like he was intruding upon something he shouldn’t be. Strangely, it felt like that a lot around Finn and Rey, like they shared a secret Poe was not privy to. It irked him, more and more lately, and that led to Poe hating himself for feeling that way. A never-ending circle of frustration. He wasn’t the jealous type. Whatever was going on between them was not his business, and yet being out of the loop made him feel slightly stir crazy, desperate. That wasn’t like him. 

Stopping suddenly, Rey turned to grasp Finn’s hands. They were still well out of ear shot for Poe to make out anything they were saying, but whatever the exchange was about, Rey looked elated. Finn beamed at her. They embraced. Poe squirmed. He had to turn away.

BB-8 found him several minutes later deep in the ship’s circuitry bay. He beeped inquisitively.

“I think so, buddy. Ready as she’ll ever be.”

Lando’s recruiting journey around the galaxy topped off with a round trip to Exegol put a huge strain on the ship’s hyperdrive engines and her extensive list of custom electric features. Rose and her crew had been working on getting her tuned up, but the lack of any need for a fight didn’t put her as priority number one. If Rey was really only flying to Tatooine and back, it shouldn’t be a problem, but he had concerns for the safety of his friend all the same. 

“You sure you don’t need a co-pilot then?” he asked, stepping outside once more. Rey was underneath the _Falcon,_ running a hand over the recently replaced housing for the sub-alternators. 

She glanced at him and smiled. “I’m sure.”

Chewie was taking a much deserved “vacation” with Lando and Jannah, somewhere far away. As if a stealth op scouting mission on First Order occupied planets was a vacation, but Chewie seemed grateful just the same. 

“Okay, but the offer still stands,” Poe said, his hands in the air. 

She regarded him. “You’ve got bigger things to do, Poe. What comes next for the Resistance, it’s important.”

“Right,” he glanced around briefly. “Finn say goodbye already?”

Rey was now giving him a curious look, as if she knew what he was trying to say instead. The squirming feeling was back.

“Yes. He said he had to attend to something.” 

Poe nodded. “He finally talk to you?” _Damn my runaway mouth._

The question didn’t take Rey by surprise. Her eyes narrowed at him laconically. “He did.” 

That seemed to be all he was going to get out of her. Ignoring the sweat that was now starting to collect underneath the collar of his shirt, from either embarrassment or anxiety, he couldn’t tell, Poe moved past Rey to unhook the fuel hose. 

Rey followed him, though at a distance. He could feel her eyes on the back of his neck. He felt a talk coming, most likely something he didn’t want to hear. Damn, he really shouldn’t have said anything. 

“He’ll talk to you when he’s ready,” she said sagely.

“I never said he needed to.”

“But he does need to.”

After he returned the hose to its docking station, he faced her but found that he didn’t know what to say. The words, _I’m happy for you both,_ came to mind. They were stuck in his throat, but he wouldn’t let them out. 

Instead, “Well, the hyperdrive is good to go. Might give you some issues when you first engage, but as long as you don’t run into any trouble, you should be fine.”

Another small smile was playing at her lips and she seemed to hold something back before replying, “Great. Thank you.”

“And you’re sure you don’t need that co-pilot.”

“I am.”

“Alright, then.” Poe turned to leave.

“That’s why I’m taking BB-8.”

He stopped, whirled back. “I’m sorry, is this not still a world where that is my droid?”

Rey held up her hands, a laugh forming. “That’s fine, we can let him choose.”

BB-8, who had been saying goodbye to D-0 and was on his way to the ramp, rolled to a stop between them, silent.

“BB-8, would you rather accompany me on my trip or stay here with Poe,” Rey asked him, dropping down to a squat.

The little droid whirled its head between them, it’s one eye fixating on Poe’s face first, then Rey’s.

Poe felt suddenly, inexplicably guilty. He sighed. “Buddy, if you want to go with Rey, I won’t be mad. I promise.”

The little droid trilled and rolled backwards to Rey’s knees. She beamed at him.

“I promise I won’t let anything happen to him,” she said to Poe.

“Yeah, sure. Sure.”

Rey and BB-8 began making their way to the ramp. Before she disappeared, Rey ducked her head so she could see Poe.

“If you think about it, it’s only fair. You take Finn everywhere with you.”

Poe spluttered. “Finn’s a person! You can’t own him, he’s not _mine.”_

“Are you sure about that?” Rey winked and left with the last smile, leaving Poe short circuiting on the ground.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It took nearly another full rotation for Poe and Finn to meet again after Rey’s departure. Finn was just finishing up helping Rose take inventory of everything they needed to repair the fleet when he was pulled aside. “General Dameron is looking for you, sir,” a Quarrenese cadet he had never seen before told him in a deep voice.

Getting called ‘sir’ was something Finn didn’t think he was going to get used to anytime soon.

Poe was surprisingly not anywhere near the communications console, a post General Organa was almost always nearby when she was in charge. She was always listening for incoming transmissions, no matter who they were from: those closest in command with her or even regular scouts on a basic mission, she always cared. Finn guessed that since the times weren’t as dire, Poe thought he could trust others to relay what needed to be directed. One of his first acts as General was to promote Kaydel Ko Connix to Commander. She was essentially Leia’s right hand woman after the Battle of Crait. She was perfect for the role. 

After asking around, Finn found him aboard a recently landed Mon Calamari starship. It was slightly wider than the _Tantive IV_ and had to be parked well outside their cave base of operations. Inside, Poe was inspecting the command center. The walls were sleek and pearly white, with large viewing portals. It reminded Finn of Admiral Ackbar’s ship, but slightly less equipped and smaller. When he saw him, Poe seemed to read his thoughts and spoke them aloud. 

“She’s no _Raddus,_ but I think she’ll do just fine.” Poe stood with his hands on his hips, practically exultant.

Finn looked around, impressed. “So, this is ours now?”

“Junior really pulled through for us,” Poe said, referencing Ackbar’s son, Aftab, who was a rising colonel with the Resistance. “She’s going to be our flagship for the time being. Possibly forever. We can’t all crowd around the holochess table in the _Falcon,_ can we?”

The visual Finn’s brain provided at that statement made him smile. It featured a very irritated Wookie crammed into a bench towering over a bunch of terrified cadets. “Nope, I can’t see that going well.”

“Everything seems to be working fine up here. We can get Rose and her crew to examine the specs.” He jumped down from the command deck and led Finn down a brightly lit corridor. “Come on, wait until you see the hangar bay!”

The tour was brief, but Finn could tell Poe was over the moon about the new ship. He showed Finn every feature with the excitement of a young pilot with a new starfighter. He already had ideas about the modifications needed to suit their cause. The ship had enough living quarters to make up for the loss of the _Tantive IV,_ as well as the new additions to their ranks. All of it was a bit overwhelming for Finn, who hadn’t had the time to give thought to everything that needed to get done. They were still recovering from Exegol. 

Eventually they circled back towards the command bridge. A medical area branched off to one side, a narrow hallway with several doors to the other. “The engineers’ quarters are one deck below, near the hangar, so there could be room for you, me and some others up here. I was thinking Connix here,” he motioned to the first door on the left. “D’acy and Tyce in the next room, if they don’t decide to retire yet, Rose down there…” 

They came to the last door on the right. “And this is the captain’s quarters!”

The door slid open with a simple keypad button and a quiet _swick_ to reveal a spacious room, every inch gleaming white. 

Finn moved past Poe to admire it. A single window took up half the outer wall. Finn could see the impenetrable green of the rainforest outside. The sun shone in from above, making everything impossibly whiter. Poe moved past him to a panel along the same wall. 

“Of course, there’s a setting somewhere to block outside light, I’m sure. This thing is meant to go underwater too, and you know how the Mon Calamari like their open viewed architecture,” Poe went on rambling as he continued to another panel that revealed a closet, then another for a private refresher. 

“It’s very nice,” Finn said. Poe had finished to stand next to a low bed and watched him expectantly. 

Suddenly, Poe moved as if he forgot something. He threw a hand up and gestured vaguely. “Of course, we can get a second bed in here, too. I should have led with that. Obviously.” He all of a sudden seemed nervous, and Finn didn’t know what to do with that.

“For what?” he asked, prompting the other man. 

Now Poe’s flustered state became more obvious. “For you! _Captain’s quarters_ , Finn, I’m not hogging this whole room to myself!” He looked around again and seemed to take in just how big the room was. “I can’t use all this space, what would I even need it for?”

Finn felt shocked, then embarrassed rather quickly that he didn’t realize this himself. “Oh,” was all he could reply.

Poe walked to his side and draped an arm around his shoulders. “Buddy,” he said to Finn. “We’re in this. You and me. You’re still up for that right?” Finn didn’t know if it was his own self-doubt projecting itself, but Poe almost sounded unsure. He couldn’t have that.

He slapped Poe’s chest lightly. “You know I am.”

Poe grinned wide, eye’s bright. “Great.” He leaned into Finn, tightening his arm around him. “It’s ours.” 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

If Finn thought telling Rey that he was Force sensitive was hard, figuring out how to tell Poe was next to impossible. In the days after Exegol, report after report of uprisings across the galaxy flooded their communications system. Rose’s team quickly got the console above the new cruiser, named the _Monarch_ , patched into the right frequency and their new base of operations slowly became fully functional. Finn and Poe moved their sparse belongings into their room but nearly spent all of their time in the command center and hardly ever had a moment alone. Rey returned from Tatooine after a few rotations but elected to stay aboard the _Falcon_ with Chewie. No one objected, of course. It was unanimously decided long ago who Han’s ship now belonged to. 

Not telling Poe didn’t become a problem until several days after Rey’s return. It was during the day, the _Ghost_ had returned to base and Poe was going over things with Captain Syndulla, when Finn was finally able to escape with Rey.

‘Escape’ might have been too strong of a word. But for some reason, if Finn really was a Force user, he didn’t want the others to know about it yet. And when he told himself ‘the others,’ he was really referencing Poe. 

So, he allowed Rey to steal him away to a secluded spot several klicks out, where she trained frequently with General Organa. They planned it the night before, and it was a flawless plan: they would sneak away while Poe was busy fawning over the legendary _Ghost_ and Finn could recruit Connix to oversee inventory. They wouldn’t be missed. 

Just as they were passing the makeshift landing pad, a young pilot who Poe helped recruit, called out to them. 

“Rey! I just got the new stabilizer’s online! Still want to take her for a spin?” the pilot thumped a gloved hand down on a grey and blue X-Wing. 

“Not right now, Nimi, but thank you!” Rey shouted back. Finn couldn’t help glancing around to make sure they weren’t drawing attention away from the center of the base. “We’re off to do some scavenging, in case anyone asks.”

Nimi, in her bright orange and ill fitted flight suit, simply shrugged. She waved a hand at them and turned away. “See you later!”

They were granted only a couple of hours in the forest before they had to head back. In such a brief time, Finn couldn’t say that he learned very much. Rey sat him down in a clearing and tried meditation with him, urging him to find peace and reach out with the Force. He found it hard to do both of those things at the same time, while trying to prove to Rey he could actually _do_ anything. She seemed to sense his frustration not too long after.

“Finn, I know you have it in you, I really do. You’ve never tried to do anything like this before, have you?” she coaxed, now sitting cross legged across from him. 

Finn recalled being alone on the Falcon, Poe and Chewie in the cockpit. A solitary, small hexdriver placed in front of him. He didn’t know how long he sat in front of it, willing it to move until his head throbbed before he left the lounge area entirely. Frustration ebbing, he shook his head. 

“Close your eyes.” Finn did. “Pretend I’m not here. Just reach out. Listen. What do you _feel?_ ”

He felt Rey. She was a bright star, and beyond her, Finn could sense the forest. The dense foliage was teeming with life. It stretched high above them, towards the sky and beyond the valley they were shrouded in. There was water nearby too, the powerful roar of a waterfall, as well as the gentle trickle of ground water running down the rocks. The far away base shone like a beacon of life. Dozens of sentient life forms clustered in such a small space. His friends. He sensed the good in them, their hope and relief. A brighter beacon that drew him in like a planet is drawn towards a sun. Familiar, welcoming. Centered around this point he also felt confusion, panic. Finn withdrew and brought himself to the present. Rey was watching him, curious. 

“I think we should go back.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“I’m sorry, Finn.”

They were weaving through a narrow path back, and Finn was just beginning to hear sounds of the base again. He turned before the next break in foliage where he knew they would be in sight of the landing pad and faced his friend.

“For what?”

Rey’s expression was solemn. She spoke openly with him, as she always did. “I know I can’t be much of a master. Or a good teacher. I wasn’t much of a student.”

“Don’t say that,” Finn back tracked to face her. He spoke earnestly. “I don't know much about the Force, or the Jedi, for that matter. This is all probably unconventional by their standards. But I know you’re doing the best you can, given the circumstances.”

She smiled at him warmly, grateful. “Thank you, Finn.”

They continued on, and just as Finn suspected, the base appeared to them after a few more steps. The _Ghost_ was still parked near the mouth of the cavern and Finn could see several people loading supplies onto the _Monarch._ As they got closer, that faint feeling of panic overtook his senses. Finally, someone spotted them. 

“General,” Beaumont yelled over his shoulder coming down the ramp of the _Ghost,_ “They’re back!”

Hot on his heels, a rather sweaty looking Poe Dameron appeared. 

“Where have you two been!?” he exclaimed. 

Finn began to gesture behind them with his thumb, looking back he noticed the landing pad was devoid of ships. _Uh oh._

“We were scavenging,” Rey said. 

It was apparently the last thing Poe expected to hear. “Scavenging? Out there? What could you possibly find out there?” 

Rey shrugged and made to walk past Poe towards her cave quarters. “Well, we don’t know until we look, do we?” She walked past but then turned, finally admiring the compact Corellian freighter. “Nice ship. Where did this come from?” 

“You would know if you were here, wouldn’t you?” Poe rounded on Finn then. “Scavenging? Really?”

Between the bombardment and over taxing his mind trying to reach the Force, Finn was so tired. 

“Really,” he said, and walked past Poe to follow Rey. His chest felt heavy. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sometime later, Finn sat with Rey against her cot. A few candles were lit around the rock wall, giving them sparse yet comforting light to read by. One of the Jedi texts was opened between them, one half of the book resting on each of their thighs. 

“You can go through these whenever you like,” Rey murmured as she flipped another delicate page. “Some people learn differently. Maybe it’ll be more beneficial for you to understand these first.”

It was a kind gesture and Finn was very appreciative. He closed the book and shifted to stand, feeling his stiff muscles protest while Rey raised herself to sit on her cot. 

“I will, thank you.” He paused for a moment, then bowed slightly. “ _Master.”_

This caused them both to crack up. Rey buried her face in her hands.” “Oh, don’t! I don’t think I’m ready for that quite yet.” 

“You will be, one day.” Finn made his tone more serious to get his point across. “Rey, you’re the strongest person I know. The strongest Force user I know, probably in the whole galaxy.” 

Rey began to look doubtful at his words, but he continued, willing her listen. “You don’t have to become a Jedi Master right now, but there’s more of us out there, I’m almost positive. We’re in this together. We can learn how to train the next generation of Jedi together.” 

“I’m not sure I want to do that.” Rey said quietly. 

“Train Jedi? Why not?”

“What happened to Master Luke…what if that happens to me? What if I fail and I create a new Sith? There has to be a balance in the Force, it even says it right here.” She tapped the cover of the book in Finn’s hand. 

“Sooner or later, it’s going to happen. I don’t want to be the cause of it.” The last sentence came out as a whisper. 

Finn was at a loss for words. He knew what his friend feared the most, how important this was to her. It was shocking to him that after everything she had done, Rey still doubted herself. 

“If that’s true… if there has to be a dark side, then we’ll just have to be ready for it.”

Rey met his gaze, unsure. He felt the insecurity weighing heavily on her heart and desperately wished he could ease it away. She watched him as he bent to place the book in its crate with the others and pick it up.

“Do you mind? I’ll go over them as many times as I need to. Then I’ll bring them back.”

Rey’s gentle smile returned, making Finn’s chest automatically feel lighter. She stood and reached into the crate to pull out a thick book. “Let me keep this one, for now. You won’t need it. Take the rest.”

He looked at it but couldn’t read the cover, at least not upside down. It was deep blue with a dark circular design carved deep into the wood. 

Finn began to walk down the rocky rise and then turned. 

“If you bow at me again-“ Rey said.

“I won’t!” Finn said, laughing. “See you tomorrow?”

“I’m not going anywhere. Good night, Finn.”

“Night, Rey.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Poe wasn’t in his bed when he made it back to the flagship. Finn didn’t see him anywhere at all. Though thanks to the design, his path to their shared quarters took him directly past the command deck without being seen. Finn was ashamed to realize he was grateful for it. 

Being alone and buzzing with the day’s events gave him time to reflect. He thought about why he was suddenly avoiding Poe, and knew it was connected to him not ready to tell Poe about his connection with the Force. It didn’t really make sense. Poe was one of his best friends, his very first friend, who helped him escape the First Order and feel welcome with the Resistance. He couldn’t imagine where he would be without the man. 

_Likely a pile of bones in a sunken TIE fighter on Jakku,_ he thought with a shudder. 

If they hadn't crossed paths, Poe wouldn’t be much better off either. That was exponentially worse to think about.

Finn wasn’t totally oblivious. They shared a bunk room on the _Falcon_ when they ran missions together. He knew Poe had nightmares that wrenched him out of sleep, heaving and shaking. Finn could imagine what he dreamed of. Losing squad mates in battle, losing friends, reliving the evacuation of D’qar or the Battle of Crait. Being strapped down and tortured by Kylo Ren on that Star Destroyer. Finn had been there, had seen the aftermath of what Ren did to Poe. He had seen that done to countless others, and worse. Before he realized what the feeling meant, Finn himself was scared of the Force. Before Rey, he had only ever seen its power used in raw form, to inflict pain and fear in others, to take away life. Stormtroopers were taught that the Jedi weren’t real, that Force users outside of the Sith didn’t exist. How was he to know any better?

Admittingly, Finn didn’t know what Poe knew of the Force. He knew Leia could use it, they both witnessed it. But after her own son used it against him, almost killed him, what would his feelings be now? What would he think of Finn if he knew he could use the Force? Would he see him differently, treat him differently? Would Poe reject him?

The thought of even losing Poe’s respect or friendship rendered Finn cold. It was naïve, but perhaps he could get away with training with Rey for a while longer without Poe knowing. He would have to tell him sooner or later. There was no way he could get away with it for very long. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Their first real mission post First Order waited for them back on Ryloth. Leia’s allies were having a tougher time getting rid of their oppressors than they expected and requested help in freeing their airspace. Poe was all too happy to return the favor. They scraped by with zero Resistance casualties and returned to base victorious. During the celebration, Rey and Finn snuck away to the forest again. They began to focus on training Finn to wield a lightsaber. Rey used a staff while Finn used her lightsaber, learning defensive and attack formations. 

If anyone noticed their absence, they didn’t speak up. Rose and Chewie welcomed them with drinks at a lean-to bar set up against a fallen tree as if they hadn’t been gone at all. Poe, who had his old squadron back with him briefly, minus Snap, barely paid them any attention. They ran into each other only briefly coming down the _Falcon’s_ boarding ramp. Finn guessed that Poe had the same idea he did, to use the ‘fresher on the ship that was parked closest. 

“Hey! There you are. Alright?” Poe asked him rather loudly. A hand clamped down on his shoulder, grip tight. 

Poe’s boisterous mood was contagious. Being at his side and with being touched spread warmth through him that Finn was pretty confident was not from the alcohol.

“I’m great. You?” 

Poe smiled but Finn detected a hint of bitterness underneath it all. “Never better. You with Rey?” His words slurred slightly. 

“Yeah, she’s hanging with Rose.”

“Mm. Mhm. That’s good. I’ll see ya around, pal.” And just as abruptly as he appeared, Poe was gone, leaving Finn confused and missing the contact.

Finn returned to the party but couldn’t bring himself to enjoy it as much as before. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Finn got away with it for only another day. He should’ve predicted that in sharing sleeping quarters with Poe, he was bound to figure it out sooner or later. Or at least, Finn could learn to hide his stuff better. 

He returned to their room late that night, slightly breathless. He and Rey had trained in the same clearing where Luke and Leia once sparred. As they rested after their own sparring session, Finn had reached out, one hand on a warped tree trunk. He could _feel_ them. Their high energies, so long ago, the joy they shared being in each other’s company. Two long lost twins, found again. Equals. Finn had never experienced anything like that before. Rey explained to him that it might have come easy to him because he was already connected to Leia in a way, that he knew her, so it was possible for him to feel her presence, even from the past. Finn had found it exhilarating. 

Poe was waiting for him when he got back. Finn should’ve anticipated it, seeing as all the starfighters were parked and the command center was silent. It was a welcome surprise at first. They saw each other so little lately, Finn was craving some time with his friend even with the intense feelings Poe had been throwing his way lately. 

What he didn’t expect was the way Poe greeted him. Finn barely got through the door when Poe crossed the room and opened the closet. There wasn’t a lot in there. Some of Poe’s clothes, less of Finn’s own. The trunk. The crate.

Poe nudged the crate of books with his boot. “Hey, are we protecting these or something?”

Finn said nothing. He hadn’t prepared himself for this. He knew better than to lie to Poe now. He just couldn’t think of the right answer.

“They’d be better off on the _Falcon_ , I would think, or maybe that’s just me.”

When Finn continued to fail at finding his voice, Poe kicked the crate out to the center of the room. “Is there something you want to tell me, Finn?” He sounded resigned. 

“I’m reading them,” he said. It was the best truth he could come up with. 

“And they’re hidden in the closet because-?” 

Finn felt small, and he hated it. “Look, I was going to tell you, alright?” He moved forward, brave suddenly, or angry at himself, as well as with Poe. He pulled the crate back to his own bed, away from Poe’s boot. 

Poe followed him, prodding. “But why were you _hiding_ it? I don’t care what you read. I just don’t like it when you hide things from me.” 

Finn tried and failed to explain. “I wasn’t hiding-“

“You’re hiding whatever you’re doing with Rey!” His voice reached a new crescendo, angry and brash. 

They stared each other down. Finn desperately searched for a way to fix the situation, anything to quell the anguish in Poe’s eyes. 

They both broke at the same time. Words fought for space in the cramped room. 

“I’ll tell you-“

“It’s none of my business, never mind.”

“Poe.”

“Really, Finn-“

“I said I’ll tell you.”

Poe looked at him. Finn could still read the hurt on his face, even as Poe tried to mask it. He could tell the other man regretted his actions.

“Please.” Finn gestured for Poe to sit. An offering. He dragged a chair from the desk by his bed and sat across from Finn as he settled on his own bed. 

He couldn’t do any worse damage than what had already been done, so Finn just dove right into it. 

“I’m training with Rey.”

Poe didn’t even pause to think. “For what?”

He really was exasperating sometimes. Finn all but rolled his eyes. “What do you think?”

Poe’s dark eyes flicked down to the crate at Finn’s feet. Clumsy silence. A realization.

As he met Finn’s eyes again, his expression changed to something Finn couldn’t quite label. “Really?” He sounded amazed. 

To not be met with hostility or disappointment was a small blessing. But that didn’t stop the disappointment that was pooling in his gut. Disappointment in himself. _This could’ve gone so much better._

“It hasn’t been that long. We just started last week. I wanted to tell you but…” he trailed off, unsure if he could trust his mouth with not running away with the truth. 

The admission hung over their heads like a swollen cloud, and Poe desperately sought shelter. 

“So are you…like Rey?” he asked.

“No. I’m definitely not as strong as she is.” A pause. “I don’t know what I am.”

Poe’s brow came together for a moment, considering him. “How long have you known?”

That’s harder to say. The part he’s struggled most with. It’s difficult to distinguish what you’ve felt forever from what you only know from myth.

He wanted to be honest with Poe more than anything. He owed him that, but he couldn’t help having a small part of him wanting to hold back. Again, that familiar misery, the fear of rejection. 

“As long as I can remember.”

Poe nodded. There was an attempt to conceal it, but now the disappointment was plain on his face. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I tried to but…” Finn trailed off, reminded of salt clogged air and a damp hillside. “You didn’t listen.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_“You have no idea what she is fighting!”_

_Poe turned quite suddenly. Finn took another step to meet him. A challenge._

_His gaze was fierce, Finn had seen him like this before, but he had never been on the receiving end of it._

_“And you do?”_

_Finn didn’t know what made him push back. He thinks it’s courage._

_“Yeah, I do.”_

_It feels like betrayal._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When Finn thinks of heartbreak, he pictures yellowed grass.

The exchange carved itself into the air.

Jagged, bleeding words.

“ _Well I’m not Leia!”_

_“That’s for damn sure.”_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Finn apologized for that line not much later, but it still sits heavy in his gut like a stone. It echoes in the empty corridors of the _Falcon_ when he’s alone. And the colors. They were so loud. 

Wide brown eyes, rich with pain.

Yellow grass.

An orange fireball in the sky. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** I'm not sure if a lot of other people saw it that way, but I thought it would've been interesting if Finn was trying to tell Poe about his Force sensitivity on Kef Bir (Endor moon). When I sa interesting I really mean 20% more interesting in terms plot twist and 80% more in pure angst.
> 
> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always welcome <3 <3 <3
> 
> Also here's my tumblr! https://spectralsam.tumblr.com/


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is darker than I intended, and like really dramatic. So sorry about that. Finn is a masochist and I love him very much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel terrible for semi-abandoning this work but my computer crashed over the summer and I lost a lot of the work for this chapter I had done. It took a while to come back to it.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has left kudos and comments along the way, it really means so much. I wouldn’t have come back to it without y’all 🥺🥺 
> 
> Be safe and happy holidays! ❤️❤️❤️

**_Now_ **

There was no retaliation. The Resistance fleet floated in empty space for hours before returning to base, cautious in fear of being tracked or followed. 

The rainforest planet was as quiet as they left it. The few people left back on base watched their approach somberly from the landing pad. It was as much like defeat as Finn expected, though he never dreamed defeat would feel like this. It was like the aftermath of Crait all over again, except they didn’t gain a thing. A sliver of intelligence, maybe, leading to more questions than answers. When they landed, Finn locked himself in his quarters, wordlessly signaling to the others to take the night off. 

The next rotation there was a small service, an ephemeral memoriam of the dead. Presumed dead, was Finn’s prefered term. He stood through the service with everyone else, letting others do the talking. Finn knew he should be front and center, offering condolences and inspiring words. He began a brief prolusion but let Beaumont take over from there. It was too much, and he was too numb. Looking back on that day later Finn would put it first among a long line of future events that signaled his withdrawal from command.

After that, the Resistance hunkered down, watchful, ready and waiting for anything: a vengeful strike of any kind, probe droids, ships passing through without clearance. But nothing came. Finn couldn’t say it wasn’t all that surprising, but they did expect _something_. They knew the First Order had been greatly weakened, almost diminished entirely by the events on Exegol. But Rothana seemed to prove otherwise. Like the end of the Empire, the dwindling remnants of the First Order only appeared as susceptible to an attack on the surface. It was as if they were a spiked vine, with more branches growing as buds underground, waiting, unseen and with the potential to be just as deadly. 

It was times such as these where Finn desperately wished he had been something more to the Order than a sanitation worker. There was only so much one could overhear marching past a conversation between officers or mopping a command deck. He was clueless as to where these never before seen Star Destroyers, assuming there was more than one, could be hiding. Did the First Order have hidden outposts throughout the galaxy, similar to what Exegol was to the Empire? Could this Star Destroyer be the very last? Or was it something else entirely, a dark secret they somehow missed? 

A meeting with upper level crew was held on the command deck. For hours they poured over star charts and cross checked intel, attempting to pinpoint possible First Order hideouts. It was a welcome distraction for Finn, even if at the end of the day they only managed to come up with a handful of leads. Finn asked for volunteers to scout the few locations listed and received an enthusiastic response. Turned out that a fair number of pilots were eagerly waiting for even the smallest chance at revenge. 

Rey was doing all she could to aid them. Finn confided in her his worries about a secret outpost and since then she stayed mostly out of sight. The few times he saw her she was pouring over Jedi text, or going into the forest. She never asked him to come with her, and Finn was secretly relieved. One night before collapsing into his bed after a long day on the command deck, Finn noticed that the crate of books had been taken. He knew it was Rey for he had spotted her reading one of the books he had studied ages ago. He couldn’t bring himself to care. The trunk had remained untouched by his bed after Poe had discovered it in the closet. 

The closet. Finn used it sometimes, when he realized that he couldn’t go more than a couple rotations without changing clothes. Poe’s things still hung up next to his and Finn couldn’t bring himself to move them. In a moment of weakness there was a day when he wore one of Poe’s soft tunics under his jacket but it only smelled of recycled air and cleaning product, not Poe. Finn kept the rest of Poe things untouched. Poe wasn’t a very orderly man, at least not like Finn was. His belongings were scattered about their room. A half empty cup of mocoa left on a dresser, which Finn returned to the mess before it began to congeal. He didn’t touch the few discarded items of clothing, or spare droid parts that leaked oil on Poe’s desk. Finn didn’t spend much free time in that room as the days wore on, if not to pass out or shower. It was easier to be practically any place else.

And that’s how time passed. Finn worked late hours on the bridge, constantly going over reports from the pilots he sent out. They had established a nearly continual cycle of ships to and from the base, checking every new lead, though most of them were flimsi thin. There was a sighting of stormtroopers on the planet of Gorse, but turned out to be a gaggle of miners who retrofitted old armor for their own use. A similar sighting on a Mid Rim planet Finn had never heard of, some backwater outpost that used to be part of a major hyperspace lane. Many locals could confirm sightings of strange figures in an old stormtrooper get ups, some even as old as Empire-era armor, but Resistance scouts failed to find a single one. There was an ex-First Order officer on Canto Bight who loudly tried to boast their importance to anyone who would listen in an attempt to gain entrance to a VIP lounge. Before he called it in to the New Republic, Finn sent people ahead to check it out. But it turned out to be just as he expected: a sad, drunk man sitting in a casino cell with nothing left to lose.

And even stranger, their mysterious Star Destroyer seemed to have disappeared entirely. Not a single report across the galaxy. Finn even recruited one of Poe’s ex squadron members, Suralinda Javos, now a full time journalist in the Core worlds, to be a sort of spy. Of course after hearing about Poe, she agreed to help Finn immediately. But so far she had nothing new to report. 

Finn knew that the constant activity coming out of Ajan Kloss, an otherwise uninhabited planet, could attract unwanted attention, but after a while, he became indifferent. He secretly _wanted_ the First Order to find them. Their disappearance from the galaxy was infuriating to him, and almost out of character. Years before Hosnian Prime, the Order wasn’t afraid to be flashy. Dangerously proud, they never hesitated to show off their might and power. 

Deep down, Finn also knew that the risk wasn’t worth the reward. What they had built here, what Poe had done for all these people, Finn could feel himself getting dangerously close to running it into the ground. Recon missions became longer, fewer pilots left the base at regular intervals. Jacen Syndulla was one of the last to leave the day before, taking on a small crew and leaving for Hutt controlled space. Finn hoped the _Ghost_ crew could find evidence if the Hutts had made any new alliances recently. They planned to be gone for a few weeks and Finn was just finishing up a check in call with Jacen when Rey found him. 

“I have a new mission for you, if you’re up for it.” he said to her after Jacen’s glowing form dissipated.

It was probably the most animated she had seen him in quite a while, judging by the quick rise of her eyebrows in surprise. Finn let his thoughts run ahead of him, not prepared to hear whatever she came to see him for. Instinctively he knew what it was about.

“I’m thinking we need to be monitoring more worlds in the Outer Rim. Anywhere the New Republic’s law hasn’t yet reached. We should be scouting them for any signs of the First Order.” 

She contemplated this for a moment, nodding slowly. “You want me to go?” For emphasis she placed a hand on her sternum.

“I’ve already checked in with Jannah, she and some of the new recruits are heading to Rattatak, you could meet them and go from there…what’s wrong?” He broke off mid-sentence at the growing expression on his friend’s face

“Finn…” Rey sighed. It was only now that Finn could truly read the troubled look shadowing her face. “Look, and please don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you’re going about this wrong”

Finn sat back and rather than prompting her, gave her room to speak.

“I just want to say this, as your friend, and as a teacher: revenge isn’t the way. Do you really think searching every planet to Jakku and back is going to help?”

“The First Order-”

“Needs to pay for their crimes, yes, and they will, in due time. But this restless pursuit across the galaxy isn’t the answer, Finn. Remember your teachings.” She placed a gentle hand on his forearm. “I wish you would come back to training.”

It was true that Finn hadn’t sat through a single lesson since Rothana, not that Rey had tried to pressure him at all. He hadn't even tried meditation. He was afraid of where his thoughts would go when he was alone in his own head. Finn had felt that she was very pointedly giving him space to grieve. Now he realized his mistake: Rey had expected him to come to her when he was ready. 

“Not today. I’ve got a lot on my plate, I’m sorry.” His response was a poor excuse, and came out more terse than he meant. He knew Rey deserved a better answer, but he was not ready to confront that issue, not yet. There had been a lot recently that he hadn’t been able to face. 

“General,” a young officer sitting nearby interrupted them, headset half cocked. “A New Republic senator from Kuat wishes to speak with you.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He took the call with Rey in the room. Kaydel Ko Connix, Aftab Ackbar, and Larma D’Acy were called in as well. Kaydel opened the channel, lights dimming as the bridge door closed for privacy. Looking around the room at a variety of nervous faces , Finn could tell that this was just as unexpected for them as it was for him.

A glowing silhouette of a human male illuminated the room. At first, the picture was blurry, poor reception probably owing to the fact of their remote location. The man’s visage slowly came into focus and Finn observed a pale face with sagging features that gave off the impression of once being sharp and handsome. Now, however, the man seemed momentarily taken aback to come face to face with so many people. 

“Hello, with whom am I speaking?” The supposed senator’s tone was curt, age obviously not affecting the man’s sharp manner in speech.

Finn quickly swallowed down his nerves, sprinkled with a hint of annoyance, and began introductions. “My name is Finn, and I am General of the Resistance.” He noticed a flicker of something like surprise in the man’s face, and Finn continued without pause.

“These are Commanders Connix and D’Acy, Colonel Ackbar,” he went down the line, lastly turning back to Rey standing at his left. “And Rey Skywalker.”

“Senator Slayte Ganz,” the man said, a cool gaze locked on Rey. “Skywalker, did you say?”

Rey flushed lightly. “The surname is adopted. I apprenticed under both Luke and Leia before they passed.”

The senator nodded, either in respect or fake interest, Finn couldn’t quite tell. 

“I knew Senator Organa. We go back all the way to the early days of the Senate.” Seemed right, judging by the man’s age. “My condolences to you all. I am still deeply saddened by her passing.”

There was something in the man’s tone that didn't sit well with Finn. It was too formal even with an attempt at casualty, and a smile too polite though it didn’t reach his icy blue eyes. Again Finn was reminded of how much he disliked politicians. 

“Well, I’ll get right into it. I am calling on behalf of the New Republic Senate. A counsel session was held last night on Chandrila discussing the future of our Republic. We feel as leaders that the last thing we want to do is repeat past mistakes. One example, and my reason for speaking with you today, is the Navy. Militarizing our New Republic will be a bigger priority than it was after the Galactic Civil War. Do you agree?

Finn gritted his teeth, jaw set. “I agree wholeheartedly.”

“I am relieved to hear that, General. We cannot afford to be utterly defenseless during a full scale attack, if the First Order even has the power to stage such force,” Ganz said flippantly.

 _It’s already proven it has._ Finn thought. Beside him, Connix reminded them all of Rothana.

“The committee is aware of what took place above Rothana City. And I’m very sorry to hear of the loss of General Dameron. Leia always spoke highly of him.” 

Ganz turned his gaze to Finn again, lightly scrutinizing. “But not of you, I’m afraid. Were you appointed by Leia after her passing?”

Finn was taken aback by the way the conversation flipped, full one-eighty. “No, General Dameron did that. Right before _we_ took down the First Order on Exegol.” The emphasis on the ‘we’ didn’t fail to translate over the holovid judging by the man’s pale expression. Ganz quickly recovered.

“I see,” he said, brisk. “And before this you served under the First Order, is that correct?” 

_How the frag does he know that?_

On either side of him, Kaydel and Rey stiffened up. D’acy’s eyes were glaring daggers into the projection as if she wished to be able to physically smack the man. But the senator wasn’t finished.

“As a...let’s see,” he paused to consult something in front of him. Finn couldn’t see what was in his hand. “A sanitation worker?”

Finn wanted to respond to his condescension with a smart remark, but felt it wouldn’t help his case to brag about being handpicked by Phasma for an elite squadron. His snide remark about Exegol certainly wasn’t a great start. However, he couldn’t help but feel that if Leia were here, she’d be proud. 

“I was, that is correct. Then I defected and helped the Resistance infiltrate and blow up Starkiller Base. Leia herself assigned me to that mission.”

Ganz again looked down so that for a brief moment they couldn’t read his face, just the deeper crease in his brow. Finn could at last identify a datapad in his hand. “I must’ve overlooked that.” 

“The General also helped deliver very valuable intel on First Order operations that we used to further our cause,” Kaydel said.

“And, he aided multiple missions over the past year as a Lieutenant,” D’acy spoke next, rather defiantly. The last statement was a bit of an exaggeration, he wasn’t sure he had any formal title under Leia’s command, but he appreciated it all the same. 

“Then, I would like to say on behalf of the Senate committee that we very much appreciate your service to the New Republic,” Ganz stated before anyone else could speak out. His tone was bland and emulative. 

Finn replied with a slight bow of his head. Leia’s words from the past came to him then. A whisper of advice reminded him that any word he uttered could be used as a weapon later.

“I thank you all. Without the Resistance, the galaxy would be in a far worse place.” Ganz spared them all a brief glance, turning an inch or so in his holo bubble. 

The phrase _get on with it_ came to his mind, causing Finn to bite his tongue. The man’s disingenuous guise was almost sticky sweet with false praise, making his stomach churn. They were being softened up with sugary words that felt to Finn more like an authorized speech. He wondered who wrote the script. 

Ganz didn’t hesitate any further. “Now, I’m sure you all have important matters you need to attend to so I’ll be brief. There is an agreement between the Senate committee, what few of us there are, that to gain our military strength back we should merge our resources with your Resistance. There is a shared interest between our people and yours, after all. This merge, or alliance, if you will, would greatly benefit you as well.”

“How?” Finn asked.

The man in the holo didn’t seem to appreciate drawing their conversation out. His eyes flitted to the side in annoyance.

“ _Such as,_ better financing, equipment, uniforms...” The last one could’ve been a jab at Finn, who donned casual clothing in lieu of a general’s coat. Poe never had one either. They were pretty desperate in that department lately.

“...provisions, wages, and ships, of course. I’ve been in cooperation with the leadership on my home planet of Kuat, and one of the major shipyards here has come to an agreement to supply a new fleet.”

“Sounds like a good deal. Of course, all of that would’ve been useful during the war.” Finn didn’t bother to lower his voice for the last part. 

“I’m sorry? There was some interference with the feed,” Ganz lied airly. “I’m glad we agree on the terms. Because of your out of the way location, it will take a few rotations for a representative to reach you, but someone will arrive to begin the process shortly.”

Finn was faintly self aware of his mouth, slowly opening more and more as the man’s tone took on a new level of arrogance. Before he could form a word of protest, the senator bid them good day and cut the feed himself. 

“What a pompous jerk!” Rey cried out next to him. 

Kaydel turned to face him and the others. “Because it’s all of a sudden in their best interest, they choose to help us now, by taking us over? Are we going to let this happen?”

“Do we have a choice?” Aftab said, sounding resigned. His webbed fingers came together at chest level, pressing together almost nervously. “I had a feeling this day would come.”

“I think we still do have a choice,” Finn spoke, hoping to be the voice of reason and quell their panic. “And ‘taking us over’ might be a bit of an exaggeration.” 

Kaydel offered up her most deadpan facial expression. “You heard the way that slagchucker spoke to you! He doesn’t respect your authority here, and I’m willing to bet he’s speaking for the whole Senate.”

Finn pressed his lips together and continued. He hated to admit it, but Kaydel was more than likely right. But he was still their leader at that moment, and had to act like it. 

“We’ll see what the next few days bring,” he said, willing himself to believe his own words as he spoke. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The rest of the crew was briefed shortly thereafter. Following the meeting, Rose came to him. _You shouldn’t trust those politicians,_ she warns. 

Turns out she was right. They all were, really. 

On the fourth day after Ganz’s introductory call, a bulky corvette appeared in orbit above Ajan Kloss, and a transport shuttle landed on the base promptly at midday. On it came a handful of bureaucracy types, with clean pressed clothing and plenty of appalled glances to go around as Finn and D’acy led them on a very short tour of the base. A briefing was held after onboard the _Monarch,_ which most of the crew attended. Finn found himself sidelined quickly, replaced at the helm by a humanoid man in military garb. A Vice Admiral, or so Finn vaguely remembered being introduced before he was made to step aside. The man was a survivor from the extinct New Republic Navy that was wiped out by Starkiller Base.

It was just as Senator Ganz explained to them, however briefly. The Resistance was all but being dismantled completely, instead being absorbed into a military giant under the eye of a new and slowly growing Galactic Senate. They were given supplies to last them several months while a new base of operations was being planned. The shipyards on Kuat had already started construction on a new fleet, while rallying cries were being raised for a liberation of similar industrial giants like Corellia. 

_It’s a work in progress,_ Finn was reassured. He felt immensely in over his head, all the same. Though he was never told what his place would be in all of it. A very small part of him secretly thought of that as a relief. 

For the better part of a week, accommodating the outsiders quickly became the new normal. Though they never stayed planetside overnight, instead returning to their transport at the end of each day. There were trained soldiers under the vice admiral, whose name Finn finally learned was Tallum, who worked with them, transporting supplies and helping to build more (temporary) shelters. Few chose to stay behind. The rest, along with some of the Resistance’s own, mainly those that served the New Republic Navy years before, left the base for the Inner Rim to jumpstart operations on the new base.

Before the end of the last day, Admiral Tallum again brought up the base transfer but Finn declined. His reasons were personal. The months spent on this strange, humid, lush planet were the first sense of home he’d ever had and he had grown fond of Ajan Kloss. The second reason he didn’t voice out loud to anyone. If they were to pack up and move operations to a new location, how would Poe ever find them?

  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Weeks passed. Finn had yet to give up hope, even though most everyone else had moved on, minds preoccupied with the New Republic transfer. Rey appeared to be the only one who shared his hesitation. Keeping the faith up for finding Poe alive was one thing. Faith in himself overall was another.

“I don’t know what I’m doing, anymore. You can see that, right?” 

Rey’s head snapped up from her position on the floor. She was kneeling over BB-8’s prone metal body, having taken over rebuilding the droid. It pained him to even look at what was left of him, not only because it reminded him of the ultimate loss of Poe, but also Finn just missed them both. Just another loss that left him scrambling for a foothold in this crazy life they led in the aftermath. 

“Finn…” He could see her struggling to find the right words.

“I thought I could do this, for a while I really did. But now… it just feels like I’m letting everyone down.”

“That’s not true.” The words came out quicker this time. She was glaring at him in disbelief, that old familiar fire in her eyes. It usually never failed to touch him, except tonight it did.

Finn’s chest felt impossibly tight as he pulled in a long, lung full of air. Sadness weighed heavily on his heart as he thought over his next words. Seeing BB-8 like this wasn’t making any of it easier, but he knew he needed to get it out. “Poe should never have appointed me to be general. You and I both know that.”

Rey sighed heavily. “I know that you’ve been under a tremendous amount of stress these past few weeks, and that the timing for all this couldn’t be worse. But know that what’s happening, it’s beyond your control. And if Poe were still here, it would be happening anyway.”

Finn sat quietly, digesting her words. Rey watched him carefully, then, “And you’re not letting anyone down. I know that for a fact.”

“How?” 

“Finn, we all saw this coming, even Poe saw it.”

“Not like this. It feels helpless.” A beat. “I just wish I could talk to him again.”

“I know. I do, too.”

They both sat and stared at the remains of BB-8 on the floor. The droid’s head plate was facing Finn, one black eye staring lifelessly. 

A thought occurred to him then, making his heart skip. “Beebee was the last one to talk to him alive, wasn’t he?” The word _alive_ hung over his head like a cloud of smoke, silently suffocating him. 

“Yes,” Rey said, realization dawning. “He would’ve been, yes.”

She leaned forward again with renewed vigor, diving into the mess of fried wires and scorched casing, hexdriver in hand.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Though they rarely had time for Jedi training anymore, Rey’s steadfast loyalty to both him and Poe was the only thing that got him through each day. That, and the flickering warmth in his chest that he had come to know only as Poe. He recognized that it had always been a part of him. It grew stronger with time, solidifying itself deep inside Finn like another organ. When he rescued Poe and Finn left the First Order, the feeling burst through him, like breaking the surface after being held underwater for too long. Finding Rey fed that exhilaration. 

It was only recently that Finn figured out what it was. He came to recognize how the Force flowed through him when he was around certain people. Rey and General Organa often gave off the strongest presence. Leia had given off an energy that was a fierce strength hidden just beneath the surface, quiet yet unyielding. He was in awe of her, and he was never scared of her power, at least not like he would’ve been had he still been a stormtrooper. 

The impression he got from Rey was close to Leia’s, but her strength was masked by a sort of calm. To Finn it felt light and airy and reminded him of the feeling of early sunlight of his skin. A cool, dry breeze in the desert. Solace.

The feeling that Poe radiated was incomparable. Closest comparison he could come up with was akin to swimming, or being held in warm water. That’s what Finn felt whenever he looked in Poe’s eyes. Kindness, protection, warmth, with an underlying prowess that had no depth. It paired evenly with the warm energy he felt deep in his chest.

Each presence through the Force was a constant comfort that Finn didn’t know he relied on until one of them was suddenly diminished. 

Some days it was not there, and those were the hardest. He’d be sitting in the captain’s seat or in his quarters on the _Monarch_ and the feeling would flicker out, like a dying candle being extinguished, leaving him shivering in the dark. 

Finn found himself counting the days before it came back. Before long, the days in between started to stretch. He told Rey this, on the sixth day without it, just three weeks after Poe’s disappearance. He told her, but he couldn’t meet her eyes, wary of the pity he knew he would find there. 

He didn’t know what it meant exactly, but if it meant what he so desperately hoped, that somewhere Poe was alive, he feared that they were running out of time.

That fear never left him except when he was working. Only when he was on the command deck, attempting to do something about it, did the feeling subside, his mind focused into a semblance of calm. Days became longer for him, as he pushed himself to his body’s limits, staying on the bridge longer than most and arriving before most of the crew started their work day. His responsibility as their leader kept him from pulling all nighters and sometimes he even found himself being pushed out of the command center after a long day, often by Kor’a or Beaumont. 

Admiral Tallum and the New Republic transfer were demanding more and more of him, taking time away from his focus on finding First Order hold outs. Finn eventually mentioned his concern with the Admiral over a holo-call, believing the stoic Pantoran who lost his whole division to the destruction of the Hosnian system would be more wary of a possible return of the First Order. If the man shared Finn’s concern, he had a mysterious way of showing it. But he listened to Finn, and that’s more than he could’ve hoped in the end. 

He couldn’t sit by and be pacified by the new regime, he knew that. Leia wouldn’t take being sidelined by arrogant Core world bureaucrats. She didn’t all those years ago. That’s how the Resistance came to be. And Finn knew that Poe wouldn’t either. History had a tendency of repeating itself, after all. 

So it was up to him. 

As Admiral Tallum took more control over basic operations, Finn shifted more focus with the ever decreasing _Monarch_ crew to intelligence. Beaumont and Connix surveyed reports from dozens of different planets, frequenting local HoloNet hubs and news sources. Scouting was more limited than it was before and this was a less conspicuous tactic under New Republic eye. He knew that the New Republic could only monitor so much and chose to keep their control close knit in the Inner regions of the galaxy. So Finn used his resources to scour the Outer Rim. If that Star Destroyer could show up at a place so far out as Rothana, he assumed it was safe to guess whoever it was, they weren’t risking traveling too far inward. 

It was a strange balance, going through the minuscule findings (a blurb about suspicious activity here and vague, terroristic threats there) with his duties to the New Republic. His third responsibility, as a student, had all but been shoved to the back of his mind. Rey was patient with him, thankfully. She was more often than not aiding the intelligence officers on the bridge when she wasn’t working on her own training. 

When he eventually ran out of excuses, he let Rey coax him into a short trek to the top of the cave system they had partially converted into their base. The rocky outcropping didn’t quite break the tree line but a quick peek past the edge revealed the top of the landing pad, approximately a thousand feet below. 

Rey and Finn sat cross legged together a breath apart. Sun pooled in his hands, resting palms up to the sky. He welcomed the warmth. It was a treat nowadays to be outside for any period of time. 

_Open your mind,_ Rey had said _. The rest will come easy._

Finn knew that for her it hadn’t come easy for quite a while. He decided to try anyway, closing his eyes. For some reason, at the introduction to darkness, his heart skipped. Just a small twinge of discomfort, barely there. Finn made the mistake of feeling it. 

Like before, he tried to expand his awareness outside of the mountain, through the forest. The ancient planet spinning beneath them, and beyond. Instead, the increased rhythm of his beating heart kept him tethered to the ground. 

“What you told me about the other day, do you still feel it?”

Finn reached deep inside himself for that cavernous space, finding nothing but aching loneliness. “Not right now. But sometimes.”

Rey nodded, pensive. “What does it feel like now?”

“Empty.” Cold seeping in. Fingers numb. He could see the fireball again. Ash raining down, metal splintering and orange paint. When he stays there too long the nausea comes terrifyingly fast. 

Wind roaring in his ears. A feeling of remorse so painful and the blinding, paralyzing _fear-_

_Oh, god, Poe, no. No no no._

“Finn, hey. Finn!”

She pulled him back, with just her voice. Finn sucked in a shaky breath. His heart was beating double time, painful and panicked. He was thankful for Rey then, his rock to cling to in a river that only kept trying to drag him down. 

A softly placed a hand on his arm. Gooseflesh there, disappearing. He could feel the sunlight again. His heart, however, continued to thump painfully.

“Your connection to him is very strong.”

“Could that...that mean he’s alive?” Daring not to get his hopes up. A deep breath to calm his racing heart. 

“I’m not sure,” she said slowly. “I still feel connected to Ben...and Luke and Leia sometimes, if I focus hard enough. You are tapping into your emotions too much, though. I think that’s why it affects you so.”

Finn felt his spirits sinking. Across from him, Rey detached herself. He felt her presence retract, push him away gently.

“How do I gain control?”

“You have to let go of your grief,” she said, and Finn could judge by the way that she spoke, it was coming from experience. 

His eyes snapped up to meet hers, but Rey had closed her eyes. Finn gritted his teeth, stubborn refusal getting the better of him. 

“Just try and let go. See what happens.” Rey’s voice had taken on a meditative tone once again.

“I can’t.”

A ripple of impatience, finally. “You're not trying, Finn.”

“If I let go of him, Rey, how are we supposed to-”

“I’m not asking you to let go of _Poe._ Your grief is clouding your ability of focus.”

Finn understood what she was trying to say but it just felt so...impossible. He didnt know how to separate the two. The thought alone, the momentous endeavor she was asking him to attempt sent his heart into a frenzied panic again. 

Rey was looking at him now, startled at the waves of anxiety rolling off of him. “Finn, are you alright?”

“I’ll be fine, just,” he stood up, brushing dirt from his pants and straightening his shirt unconsciously. “I need to take a break, is all.”

She watched him walk away without a word. They both knew he wasn’t coming back.

Finn hated lying, he really did. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Finn never thought about how big of a part Poe played in his life until he was gone. They shared meals most days, a room, a refresher, the same position in the Resistance. What else was there left? There wasn’t a Poe free space in his world. 

Gradually, that absence became a part of him as well. It inserted himself into his daily routine. Finn even sought it out on longer days when the hours blurred together under a frenzy of activity on base. He would reach inside, searching for that flickering feeling and the emptiness it lived with. He would prod and relish in the pain that followed. The pain helped him not to forget.

He never wanted to forget. 

Finn knew he wasn’t alone in his grieving, yet he couldn’t help but feel the invisible gap that separated him from Poe’s other friends. Karé and Jess, more than others, felt the loss just as deeply as he did. They knew Poe the best, probably better than Finn ever did, and longer. Karé had flown alongside him for years before Finn came along. Now in the span of a few weeks she had lost a husband and a good friend. At least there, Finn could sort of imagine what she was going through. He thinks maybe Karé could see that too, telling from the way she had stopped him on the bridge before leaving for her first trip off world and giving his arm a tight squeeze. 

_He’d be proud of what you’re doing_ , she’d said, her wide brown eyes giving off a deeper meaning. Her words had lifted his spirits a fraction, but they also haunted him. That was Karé acknowledging that she knew what he had meant to Poe. What Poe had meant to him. 

How do you mourn something that never existed? An aspect of your life that only you were privy to, that never had a chance to take off from the ground?

And scarier still, a question that haunted Finn’s thoughts since Jakku: How many times could a person’s entire existence be uprooted before they ceased to be somebody?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When time slowed down for a moment, Finn found himself lost in his own head. Reliving moments of the last year and a half with the Resistance. Early on, when he was just as eager to prove himself. Finding his place here. Memories of Poe.

He kept coming back to one moment in particular. He remembered walking wobbly kneed through a maze of people. The feeling of stark relief. Soft, dark curls and a calloused hand cupping the back of his head. Elated laughter. Unbounded jubilation.

And then, hours later, shock seeping into his bones. Mixing with his blood like concrete and weighing his body down. 

Across from him, dark eyes sparked with something unnamed as they sat around a bonfire. An old bottle sat untouched between them. 

A whispered mantra.

 _We made it, Finn. We’re still here._

He won’t ever forget how Poe’s face dimpled when their eyes met after landing on Ajan Kloss. How up close, Finn could see how the sweat and pilot’s helmet shaped Poe’s curls, and how badly he wanted to run his hands over and through them and just _touch_.

But the moment slipped through his fingers.

He should’ve kissed him. 

_He should’ve kissed him._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Everything that happened, it was my fault, _mine._ ”

“Finn, don’t.”

“Rothana wasn’t even at the top of our list but we thought it would be easy. We didn’t scout it first, we were so sure that everything would be fine. And I gave the go ahead.”

The admission laid at Finn’s feet, swollen, guilt-trodden. He and Rey stared at it in the dim light of the _Falcon’s_ main hold. Eyes glued to the gridlike floor in shame, Finn wrestled with the words, piecing sentences together among the worn and corroded metal pallets.

“I was so sure of myself in that moment and so we rushed blindly into the fight. And for that, we lost.” Finn sounded scraped out, raw. “We lost _so much.”_

Rey sat on a crate across from him, attempting to find the middle ground between truth and a gentle misconception. She settled for wary assurance. “It isn’t fair to place all the blame entirely on yourself.”

“Fair?” Finn spluttered. “Is it _fair_ what happened? What’s happening now? Is it fair that he’s dead and I’m still here?”

His despair lashed out like a flame, though Rey didn’t flinch away. She had already mastered controlling her emotions so much better than Finn thought he ever would.

But Finn just felt so _much_. Grief over their losses, fear that he was losing control over everything and there was no way to stop it. Guilt. So much guilt that waking up everyday felt more and more like a struggle not to drown in it.

It was very late at night and Finn had been here on the ship, ineffectually hiding from his problems, for hours. 

Their quest to find a lingering sign of the First Order hadn’t brought any new results for a while. 

Poe went missing twenty seven days ago. 

That was the first time Finn had said the “d” word aloud in the past reference and his sanity seemed as if it was hanging on by a very loose thread.

Something in Rey finally gave. Her shoulders slumped, the crease between her brows smoothed out. Whatever she planned to say, she struggled with the execution. She looked so defeated, so uncharacteristically Rey that he was taken aback for a moment.

“He never talked to you, did he?” she finally asked in a soft tone.

He assumed she meant Poe, but the question in itself was so vague. Rey watched him work through his emotions, quickly reading his confusion and continuing on.

“I know how you felt about him.” She regarded him with piercing brown eyes. “And I know he felt the same.”

Finn stood suddenly, legs like a springboard, rubbing his hands together to quell the sudden numbness beginning to spread from there. “I’m not doing this. Nope.” He made to leave.

“Finn, hear me out, please!” She remained seated, effectively raising her voice to do the job of halting him in his tracks. Finn halted with his back half-turned to her. He could sense her reading his stiff profile, reaching out and attempting to calm his mind with a heart rending gentleness.

“What did you mean when you asked if we talked?” he asked slowly. As much as the topic of conversation pained him, he was itching to know. 

“After everything, I thought he might reach out to you eventually.” She sighed, then after a beat, “I sensed a great deal of conflict in him when it came to you. A lot of it was genuinely good. Tender, even. He did love you.”

The now familiar feeling of forgetting how to draw breath was back. When he did breathe, the air felt needle sharp in his lungs. For how much longer would this loss still feel so fresh? 

Rey read the raw grief on his face. “I’m sorry, Finn. Perhaps this wasn’t the way you should’ve found out. I thought you knew.”

“No it’s...” Taking a heavy step back, his foot collided with another stack of crates and Finn automatically leaned against them for support. His brain scrambled to put thoughts together. Rey didn’t need to apologize, of course. But it didn’t mean he still wanted to have this conversation. Deep down a part of him did, tugging at that painful ache for attention. He wanted to talk about Poe. Then again, Finn wanted to bury his feelings so far down he was hopeful that his body would forget how much it used to hurt. He wanted to feel numb with the ache until the very day he got Poe back so he could remember and never let him out of his sight again. 

A new feeling, to replace the grief. Warm, melting away the stiffness of his limbs like butter. He wondered, stupefied.

 _Poe_ … _?_

Finn always knew, didn’t he? Now it seemed like a rhetorical question. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**_Before_ **

  
Finn took one last look at the awesome sight below him before reaching over to switch on the _Falcon’s_ low power mode. He stared long enough to commit the swirling pink and orange clouds of the gas giant’s atmosphere to memory, as he was sure Rey would love to hear every detail. It was quite a new experience for him, being allowed these miniscule moments for himself. A pause to admire the scenery of new planets, indulging himself with a snack that wasn’t protein rations. He could go on and on. Before, Finn couldn’t blow his nose without a troop commander barking at him to keep his helmet on. He took advantage of the peaceful moment for another few seconds before finishing his task of shutting down and heading back to the bunks. The ship would stay in a lazy orbit above the planet while Finn and Poe, the _Millennium Falcon’s_ sole occupants save for BB-8 on this mission, got some rest. In the morning they would fly down to meet with a potential ally for Resistance aid. 

Down the corridor, BB-8 was already in place to power down for the night. Finn patted the droid’s head fondly as he passed and said a quiet goodnight. Soft sing-song beeps were intoned back. Their shared bunk space was just around the corner. Finn and Poe had long since claimed a section with their bunk’s directly across from each other and had been occupying them for the better part of the last several months. It was there Finn found Poe half lounging, half sitting on his relatively cramped bunk. One leg was fully extended, nearly blocking the passageway which Finn purposely bumped into as he passed. The same foot thumped into the back of his thigh in return, dangerously high. 

“We set for the night?” Poe asked him. When Finn turned around, his friend was watching him over the top of his datapad, a playful glint in his eyes. 

Finn stood above his bunk, leaning his arm on the bulkhead. “Yep,” he said confidently. “Sensors are still on so if we come into any trouble, we’ll know about it.”

“Good. Let’s just hope we won’t need them.”

Finn nodded and relished in the small swell of pride inside him. He wasn’t officially copilot material, but every chance they got, Poe gave him an opportunity at the helm, hands hovering over his at the controls. He very much appreciated the fact that Poe trusted him with most duties when it came to the _Falcon._ Lately when they had the down time, he would patiently go through any questions Finn had and sometimes let him accompany Poe down the maintenance hatch.

(And if either Finn or Poe said they didn’t enjoy the small thrill that came with sharing the cramped space beneath that hatch, well, they would be lying to themselves.)

“So, tomorrow,” Poe continued, sitting up a bit straighter and putting aside his datapad. “Simple enough plan: we land, try not to putz around too much, then make our way to the council house. Hopefully Leia’s contact doesn’t flake out on us this time.”

Finn shrugged. “I dunno, I feel good about this one.”

“Always the optimist,” Poe said, shaking his head minutely.

“Someone’s got to be.” He swatted at Poe’s leg again, making the mark above his knee. Poe didn’t make a move to return it. 

Finn stretched and made for the storage unit Poe had been using lately. “I need to change. It would be a shame to break from tradition, do you mind if I borrow something of yours?”

Poe chuckled behind him, coming out whatever deep thought he was absorbed in. Finn was slowly catching on to the fact that Poe had yet been able to deny him anything. 

“I guess not, go ahead.”

“Thanks,” Finn said, secretly smug, and tugged his shirt off over his head. “Do you think we can use some of those credits General Organa gave us for this mission to get my own wardrobe finally?”

He took a moment to pick out a cream colored shirt from Poe’s things and pulled it on. A bit tight around the shoulders, but it was better than the ill fitted clothes donated to him by the Resistance. After a more than lengthy silence from Poe, Finn turned around. 

Poe hadn’t moved an inch from his seat on the bed and was openly staring at Finn’s chest. Suddenly self-conscious, Finn cleared his throat.

“What, wrong color?”

“I never saw it before,” Poe said, quiet.

Finn looked down at himself. “The shirt?”

Poe’s face became a crease, brows furrowed at odd angles. With some displeasure, he shook his head.

 _This is very confusing,_ Finn thought. The mood change was quite drastic compared to just several minutes before.

“No the - your scar,” Poe stumbled over his words and made a vague pointing gesture. 

“Oh.” There was an awkward pause. Finn almost asked if he wanted to see it again before measuring the feeling of the room. It was probably right to assume that Poe was repulsed by the sight of it. 

“I don’t really see it everyday, I almost forget what it looks like.” It was a poor attempt at a joke, he thought later. 

“Does it still hurt?” Poe asked, voice sounding different again, tenuous.

“It...used to…a lot? I mean of course it did, when it was still healing. But it felt hot, sometimes, for no reason. Now it just feels...weird.” Tight, itchy, an alien feeling that stretched from his shoulder to his tailbone, that even all these months later was taking some time to get accustomed to. 

Across from him, Poe still looked upset and Finn didn’t know what to do with that.

“The doctor said that if Ren had put just slightly more pressure into the blade swipe, it would’ve severed my spine,” Finn said, rather calmly. 

That was obviously the opposite of what he should have said. Poe’s hand spasmed where it was clenched in the blanket on his bunk. Ages ago, Finn had once watched a conversation between some of the Resistance foot soldiers comparing battle wounds and showing off scars like they were trophies. That was clearly not what was going on here now.

Staring blankly at a spot near Finn’s sternum, Poe said in a distant, hushed tone Finn didn’t think he had ever heard before, “I don’t know what I would do if you died.”

Though the sentence caught him off guard, Finn knew the feeling. There were several times in the past few weeks where he and Poe both had a few close calls. The thought of losing Poe, of Poe just one day being next to him and suddenly gone, forever, made his body feel empty and cold. He didn’t like to think about it, but he often did, letting his fears cloud his thoughts and sometimes controlling his actions. He understood it to be a weakness but then again, having people to care about and who cared for him in return, a multitude of people, more than he deserved, that was a privilege he couldn’t yet fully wrap his head around. He relished that fear in a masochistic sort of way, as much as he tried to put it out of his mind. 

Finn, for the lack of knowing how to properly respond to this unfamiliar vulnerability coming from Poe, said rather dimly, “Probably wouldn’t have made a difference, then.”

That caused Poe to snap out of his lost, trance-like gaze. “What?”

The sudden frown from the man across from him gave Finn pause. “Well, you didn't know me then. If I had died on Starkiller, it wouldn’t have been so bad.”

“What, no! Finn,” Poe sat up fully now, incredulous. “That’s not true. Even if I didn’t know you that well yet, I still would’ve cared. After what you did for me, for the Resistance, of course I would’ve.”

Finn stood absolutely still. Even if he knew what to say, he no longer trusted his mouth to properly respond.

“I care about you, buddy. I care a lot about you. And so do a lot of other people.” A faint blush crawled up Poe’s cheeks as he spoke, spotlighted by the pale overhead lights. Finn was transfixed by it. 

Finn didn’t need Poe to tell him this. He was well aware. He had Rose, who risked her life to save his only hours after meeting him. There was also Leia, who gave him a voice and trusted him enough to stay in the Resistance, with Poe’s urging of course. And Rey who let him in and was full of light and warmth and everything good that Finn had ever felt. And finally Poe, who helped him break free, who made him feel welcome and _hugged_ him, when he didn’t even know him. His first real hug, human to human, an experience relatively new to him. 

Poe was suddenly much closer to him now, having stood from his bunk and crowding nearly shoulder to shoulder with Finn. “You’re my best friend, man,” he said, almost whispering. “Don’t tell Snap that.”

A smile tugged at his dry mouth, somewhat reluctantly. “I won’t.”

“Good, I wouldn’t hear the end of it. But he spends much more time with his wife than he does with me these days, so…” Poe trailed off and smiled warmly at Finn, color still dusting his cheeks. “All joking aside, I meant what I said, though.”

“I know,” Finn nodded, his head still turned towards Poe. “I care about you, too”

In the space of a heartbeat, their eyes slid home to meet each other. The playful demeanor that Poe adopted hadn’t quite reached his eyes. Finding the tenderness there, Finn couldn’t remove his eyes, even when within him he felt something stirring, something he couldn’t yet name. 

Poe broke contact first. “Glad we got that straightened out.” He cleared his throat and made to leave, slapping a hand on Finn’s bicep on the way out. “Gonna shower. Don’t wait up.”

Finn watched him round the corridor out of sight, not remembering until much later that Poe had showered just before they left base that afternoon. It was sometime until Finn crawled into his own bunk. He was passed out before Poe came back.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, you really stuck through my dramatic as hell story. Go you. Again, comments and kudos are very much welcome 🙏❤️

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how the Force works but honestly who does. My personal headcanon is that the trio, Rey and Finn especially, are intuitive of each other to an extent. Finn can be more in touch with others emotional state of being when it comes to the Force, and has a strong connection with Poe because of their love for each other. And maybe the comics were right and Poe has a touch of Force sensitivity himself :)  
> Also, this is my first time writing multi-chapter fic, so I'll try to update as best as I can! Thank you for reading!  
> (also yes the title came from a big thief song)


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